What Are We Doing?

Hello friends! Yes long time no write.  Sorry.  Life has brought about some new opportunities for me that will be taking much of my time, so forgive me if my posts are sporadic.  In pondering what to write, I have had an issue present itself several times recently so I figured that was a cue to address it here in my blog.

My two teens, ages 16 and 18, had the opportunity to go to Fiji this summer with HEFY, Humanitarian Experience for Youth.  They spent 2 1/2 weeks there building septic tank toilets for families in a particular village.  They got to know the local people very well and even had the opportunity to bond with local teenagers creating friendships that will last forever.  They had a life-changing experience!

As we picked them up from the airport, their first two comments were, "I want to go back!" and "Fiji is the way the world should be."  I was curious about that last comment in particular.  They proceeded to tell us that everyone was so kind and loving there.  When they arrived at the Fiji airport, they were greeted with "hello" and "welcome" by locals who didn't even know them.  The Fijians first reaction to these Americans was immediate acceptance and love.  On the last day when my kids left the village that they had worked in, villagers they hadn't even met came up to them and hugged them, thanked them and told them they loved them.  These Fijians were just grateful to this group of youth who had served them, even if they hadn't been served personally by them.

In complete contradiction, my kids said that as soon as they stepped off the plane back into America, no one would look at them or say hi to them. They felt immediately judged and distant from the people in America. Why is our initial reaction to people one of judgement and categorization?  Now of course I am speaking generally not specifically here.  You may not fall into this generalization, but I think it is a big issue within our society and culture as a whole.  What are we doing and why?

My 14 year old daughter transferred from a public school to a charter school last year.  She was very scared and nervous about doing it, but decided to give it a try.  Within the first few weeks at the charter school, her comment to me was, "At my other school I felt that I had to be a different person for different people in order to be ok.  At this school, I feel like I can just be me and that's ok."

You can imagine how grateful and happy I was that she was ok just being herself.  Now I'm not bagging on public schools by saying this, but the point is clear.  Why are our children dealing with this kind of pressure to fit in and be what everyone else wants them to be?  Why are our children dealing with the kind of pressure that is driving them to cope through addictions, even driving some of these amazing kids to suicide?  Why do kids think bullying makes them look cool?  What's going on in our schools?  What are we doing?

I had a conversation with a mother just a day ago and she said that her 6 year old daughter was in her dance class and another girl came up to her daughter and said, "You're too fat to dance."  Again, what is going on?  These are 6 year olds!!  What are we doing?

You know my story.  The need and pressure I felt to be perfect, to please and impress those around me drove me to an eating disorder.  And that addiction and coping strategy remained with me well into my adult years.  I have met several women in their adult years who are still dealing with eating disorders, let alone girls and teenage girls who are dealing with it.  Now I don't believe the pressure I felt was strictly self-induced.  I believe society played a role and it is still playing a role today as is evidenced by the increase in those dealing with addictions, in the suicide rate, in the percentage of those getting plastic surgery on all different areas of their bodies, and of those on medications for depression.  These numbers show that we are becoming more and more obsessed with pleasing the world in order to feel accepted and less and less happy because of that.

My kids who went to Fiji would tell you that as a whole the people in Fiji were a happier people because they were not dealing with these pressures.  They accepted each other as they were and did not place any qualifications on their love for one another.  My daughter at the charter school would tell you that because of uniforms, kids at her school see each other for who they are not for what they wear or how they look.  And let me mention that this daughter at the charter school suffers from a skin condition called vitiligo where she loses skin pigment and patches of her skin become white.  She could have been crushed a long time ago thinking that she was ugly and not acceptable because of her skin.  Friends at her school tell her that her skin is awesome and it doesn't deter their love and acceptance of her.  Isn't that the way we should all be?  Aren't we all brothers and sisters here, trying to do the best we can with what cards we have been dealt?  Why are we making it harder on each other?  What are we doing to each other by buying into this mentality that how you look, what you do, what you've achieved or what you have is more important than who you are?

As I have traveled around Utah, sharing my story and speaking to different groups, as well as sharing my thoughts worldwide through this blog, I have been amazed by the comments I have received.  I have realized that I am not alone.  I was never alone.  Girls and women of all ages are telling me they can relate to my story because they too have experienced or are experiencing feelings of self-hatred, self-doubt, low self-esteem and low self-confidence in some way, shape or form.  They say how much they needed to hear my message, that beauty is not attained by meeting certain qualifications of the world, but that beauty is an inheritance.  That we were created beautiful, we are beautiful, and we will forever be beautiful simply because we exist.  These girls and women were yearning to hear a voice of light and truth amidst all the darkness, telling them that they are ok just the way they are, that they are loved and accepted regardless of how they look, what they do, what they have or what they have achieved. It truly breaks my heart that because the world is shouting so loud in our ears that we're not enough, we are having a hard time hearing that soft, gentle voice of truth tell us we are beautiful just the way we are.

I wonder if the prosperity we experience here in America has an adverse side effect.  Because we have so much of the world's goods, is it easier to judge others for what they do or don't have?  Is it easier to compare because we are so aware of what it means to have and to have not? Believe me I am guilty of judgement.  I think it is a very natural man tendency and it becomes so easy to do when we are presented 24-7 via tv, social media, the internet, magazines, etc, about what is cool and what is not, what is socially acceptable and what is not.  I suppose this is where we decide if we are going to be of the world or not.  It's a choice.  Are we going to let the world's standards and the world's qualification of beauty and acceptability determine how we treat others or how we treat ourselves?

I believe we can take a stand against this kind of societal brutality because it truly is brutal.  People are crushed every day by what someone else says or does to them.  I'm fully aware that my blog is about not playing the victim, taking back our own power and not letting what the world or what other people say and do affect how we perceive ourselves.  But I also believe there has to be a push from the other side.  There has to be a reality check on what we are thinking and believing, doing and saying to others that may drive them to believe that who they are is not ok.  I believe taking a stand begins within our own hearts and minds.  It doesn't begin by telling other people how to change and be different.  It begins by changing ourselves.

You've read my posts about the thought cycle, that what we think and believe is the root of all we feel and do, and even determines the results we receive in life.  So what do we think and believe?  What kind of pressures are we putting on ourselves?  I challenge you to be real and investigate your own mind.  Are you falling prey to this worldly mentality that beauty is what the world says it is?  That to be ok you need to be what the world says is ok?  If you have bought into that mentality, don't beat yourself up.  Acknowledge it and then use one of your tools, or use mine that I have talked about in earlier posts, and get rid of it.  Let go of it!  Not only does that mentality negatively affect you, but it also affects those around you.  Your children, your relatives, your neighbors and friends, your coworkers and associates.  Our inward beliefs and thoughts are more outwardly visible than we think.  Our beliefs are seen in all we do and say.  James Allen said:

"Let a man radically alter his thoughts, and he will be astonished at the rapid transformation it will effect in the material conditions of his life.  Men imagine that thought can be kept secret, but it cannot; it rapidly crystallizes into habit, and habit solidifies into circumstance."

So take care of you first.  Deal with your own mind first, then when you are clear you will be a powerful tool to help those around you become clear.  That is how we take a stand.

Now I am fully aware that there is a flip side to this coin.  I know that Satan is real and I know that he is waging an all out war against all of us in this day and age.  Because he doesn't have a physical body, he uses whatever means possible to get us to destroy ours or to place overemphasis and hyper-focus on the body.  He is using our physical body and natural man tendencies to create the belief that we are not ok unless the world says we are.  He says we are not ok unless we fit a certain mold--a certain body type, certain talents and gifts, certain personalities and characteristics, certain likes and dislikes.  We have to look the part and act the part or we're not good enough.  So if we are not becoming aware of how Satan attacks us personally, we will lose this battle.  It wasn't until I recognized and faced my weakness that I learned how to turn it into a strength.  With God's direction and guidance, strength and help, I was empowered to make my weak things become strong.  Now I have forced Satan to come at me head on instead of allowing him to sneak through the backdoor or side window where he would catch me fully unaware.  Being aware is the key.  Identify your weakness and turn to God for strength.  Let go of self-defeating thoughts and embrace the positives of who you are and what God created you to be.  What are your strengths and talents?  Where and with who does God need your influence?  Let that be your focus because when we focus on the positive, that is what we get back.

Remember these verses in the New Testament:

"Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
This is the first and great commandment.
And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself" (Matthew 22:36-39).

Three things stand out to me from these verses.  First of all these are commandments not suggestions.  If we want to be happy then we need to love and obey God.  God obviously knows more than us and He has given us countless opportunities to trust Him and follow Him.  He gives us commandments because He loves us and wants us to be happy.  I know that when we obey God, we will be led to that peace and joy we are seeking.  Please go read or listen to Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk from the Women's General Broadcast of the LDS church.  It is inspired of God and speaks to this topic.  Click here to either read or watch it.

Secondly, Christ talks about the heart, the soul, and the mind.  If you've been reading my blog, then you know everything we do begins with what we believe and think in our heart and mind.  So what do you believe and think?  Is it in accordance with the first great commandment?  Your acts reveal where your heart and mind is at.  Thirdly, how can we love others if we don't first have love for ourselves?  We can't give that which we don't have.  If you are filled with judgement and criticism for yourself, then that is what you will give to others.  If you are filled with love and forgiveness for yourself, then that is what you will give to others.  What are you giving to others?

I encourage you to examine how you feel and what you believe about yourself.  Through that understanding and awareness comes the key to not only loving yourself more fully, but loving others more fully.  Remember we are all here on this earth trying to do the best we can with the lives we have been given.  May we give ourselves a break and then extend that benefit of the doubt to others.  May we love each other more, accept each other more, and extend more kindness and service to each other more.  That is how we create more peace on this earth.  And it all begins inside each one of us.  This is truth my friends.  So go be.YOU.tiful and let's change the world!!!