My Story

My story goes back 23 years when I was 15 and maybe even before then. I was raised in a strong LDS home with loving parents and with all the things that I could ever ask for in terms of my physical needs and wants. But for some reason, I had a belief that I couldn’t be loved or accepted unless I was perfect. My definition of perfect meant that I had to be the best in everything based on the standards in the world around me. During my high school years, this meant I had to be the smartest, the best basketball and volleyball player, the prettiest, the one with the nicest clothes, and the one with the best looking body. I had to be and do it all. What never occurred to me was that being the best in everything wasn’t even possible. I soon realized I was constantly failing at being perfect because there was always someone who was better than me in each of those areas. So, on top of feeling like a failure, I also felt like I was not loved or accepted because I wasn’t perfect in everything. I just couldn't win and I was miserable.

So at the young age of 15, the pressure became too great. One day, I came home from school completely depressed and discouraged because a respected authority figure in my life told me I needed to lose weight. It crushed me. Because I cared so much about what others thought of me, it just killed me. I do not blame this person for what happened in my life, however, at the time it was painful and difficult. That day I demanded of my mom that she put me on a diet program so she did. It went well and being the determined person that I am I succeeded in losing weight. However, due to a family vacation, I did not go on the maintenance program which teaches you how to eat using normal food as opposed to their pre-packaged food which I had been eating the whole time. Because I had reached my goal weight, I was done with the program, but because I didn’t know how to eat normal food in the “right” way, I started to gain the weight back. I was a mess. Humiliated, depressed, embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and in despair are just some of the things I felt. And that is when my eating disorder began. I binged on food in my quiet, private moments to escape the pain, guilt, sorrow and shame that I felt every moment I was alive. I ate to swallow and shove down the grief. It seemed the only option to me since I had no inclination to go to drugs or alcohol. I couldn’t even bring myself to not eating at all or throwing up what I ate, so I binged and exercised excessively, otherwise known as an obsessive compulsive eating disorder. Food started to control me. All I could think about was food and my weight. "Should I eat that or shouldn’t I? Oh I ate that cookie, so I am a bad person. I may as well eat more since I already blew it. What is my weight today? Oh I gained a pound! I am a terrible, fat, ugly, awful person!" I became a slave to food and my weight. And let’s face it-when one area of your life is not going so well, it tends to affect most of the other areas of your life too.

So let me fast forward 23 years. This eating disorder continued up until a year ago. During that time, I graduated from college, met and married my amazing husband, moved three times and had 5 children. I can honestly say as I look back over the past 23 years that the majority of the time I was depressed with moments of great joy. My roller coaster ride of a life had many peaks, but the low valleys seemed to last forever. I felt so often in the pit of despair with no idea how to get myself back out. However, I would find myself getting to a point in those pits of despair that I had to do something. I had to try and find a way out. So I tried everything under the sun to help “fix” myself. I tried more eating/diet programs, therapy and counseling, anti-depressant and weight-loss drugs, exercise programs, self-help programs, compulsive eating programs, addiction programs and alternative methods of physical and emotional healing. Everything I could find I tried.  But none of those methods ever brought me the permanent results I was seeking. Why? Because my attitude in doing all of those things was, “You better fix me!” This past year I finally found my permanent solution. I came to the realization that the only person that could fix me was me. I had to go inside, become aware of what my negative thoughts and feelings were and learn to let them go in order to replace them with truth. “The truth shall set you free!” And that’s exactly what happened.

In this blog I desire to share the things that have allowed me to find this freedom from my eating disorder. I also want to share my daily realizations and experiences as I continue on this journey of mine. I am so grateful for the peace that I feel within my mind. There is no longer a constant battle between my body and my spirit. My weakness has turned into a strength as I now know how to defeat the temptations and negative beliefs that held me captive for so long. Due to the use of some very simple tools, I now have more peace and joy in my life than I ever dreamed possible. I have found self-confidence and self-acceptance with who I am and the way I look. Because of all this, my greatest desire now is to in some way help others who may be struggling with the same things I did.

I have entitled my blog “be.YOU.tiful” because that is essentially what we all have to discover and embrace. We are each so beautiful in our own unique way. We just simply can’t compare ourselves to others or expect ourselves to be and do everything perfectly. If we do, we will find ourself in Satan’s deceptive snare of despair and depression just like I did. In fact, we are perfect just the way we are right now simply because that is where we are.

So this is my effort to share how I got from there to here and to not only give hope to others who may still be there, but to teach them HOW they too can be here-in a place of peace, contentment, joy, fulfillment and in a life full of promise and purpose. So please hang in there! There is a way out!!! Hopefully I can help you to be free and learn how to embrace your own beautiful!