Our Relationships

So how are you?  I know its only been a few days since my last post about the tools, but I am very anxious to hear how you are doing.  Have you used the tools?  Do you see a change in yourself as a result of using them?  Or are you frustrated and having a hard time with them?  I know this is unchartered territory for a lot of you, and scary too, so please feel free to ask me anything or share anything with me.  Please also know that now that you have come to an awareness of how to begin this healing process, Satan is going to work extra hard to distract and dissuade you from using the tools.  He knows the peace and joy letting go can bring you, so he will do all in his power to get you to not do it.  Whether it is through discouragement that the tools are not working right away or the many distractions that come at us in life that cause you to not take the time to use the tools, please recognize those are all the efforts of Satan to stop you in your healing process.  I know that this really happens because I have experienced it myself and also have seen it recently in the life of a dear friend.  She has been saying for several weeks that she needed to do the write and burn but life just kept getting in the way.  Finally today she sat down to do it because the anger she was feeling was taking over her life.  As I talked to her, she told me what a relief she was already feeling.  She felt calmer and more able to deal with her children in the way that she wanted and knew was right as opposed to getting upset, angry and uptight with them.  These tools work because they are based in truth!  It just takes once!  Try trapping your negative thoughts in your little black book just once.  Do a write and burn just once.  If you do, I promise you will see the difference it can make in your life which will then feed your faith and your motivation to use them again.  Please let me know how you are doing.  If you want a more private way to contact me please use my email.  It is rachellerchase@yahoo.com.  I just want to help you so please feel free to share your thoughts or questions with me!!

I had been struggling about what to make this next post about, then once again, I received an extremely touching comment from a sweet friend of mine.  Because of her comments, I felt inspired to write about relationships.  So thank you my sweet friend!  I know so many others struggle with this topic, so your willingness to open up and be real is helping others!

One of the most painful side effects of eating disorders, depression, or addiction is how our relationships suffer.  I believe all of us more than anything want to be the best mother or father, wife or husband, daughter or son that we can be.  But because of our crippling negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves, not only do we suffer, but our family suffers as well.  As we continue to shove down those difficult negative thoughts and feelings, they build.  Our patience wears thin.  Our ability to control our negative emotions diminishes.  And then, like I said in my Letting Go post, when the dam breaks, its our family that gets hurt the most.  As a result, we beat ourselves up for the way we acted towards a loved one and that guilt and shame takes us down, down, down that negative spiral to a point where we may even have the thought that our family would be better off without us.  I think most of us desperately want healthy and happy relationships.  We don't want the difficulty in our relationships and usually our negative actions are unintentional.  We are tired of the struggle not only within ourselves, but also with the people that we care about the most.  

I believe our first problem goes back to what I have been saying all along.  Because we bury and suppress our negative thoughts and feelings and because we have negative beliefs about ourselves, our actions tend to follow.  Remember the thought cycle I mentioned a few posts back?  Let me illustrate it for you.

Everything we do begins with a thought.  Those thoughts can come from anywhere and many of them are not based in truth.  If we have a negative thought about ourselves which we have chosen to believe is true about us, it leads to a negative feeling which then leads to a negative action and then a negative result.  Then from that negative result we get another negative thought and down we go in our negative spiral.  Here is illustrated both the negative/downward spiral and the positive/upward spiral and the feelings associated with each.

When we are filled with negative thoughts and feelings, our actions towards those we love become more negative.  If you think about it logically, it makes sense.  If we are filled up inside with negative, then negative is what's going to come out.  However, most of us don't want to act negatively and we try so hard to not be this way.  Most of us want to be over on the upward spiral experiencing all the wonderful feelings that come with it and reaping all the fantastic results that come from it.  But we can't go against nature.  A negative thought reaps a negative result just as a positive thought will reap a positive result.  This is just how it works.  Call it the natural law of the thought process.  So what do we do?  How do we keep ourselves from being pulled down the negative spiral?  We stay aware of our thoughts and feelings!  We trap those negative thoughts and we let go of those negative feelings.  We stop the thought cycle at the thought or the feeling so that it cannot get to the action stage.  If we stop the thought cycle from getting to the action stage, then we can stop the negative spiral from ever having a chance.  We can turn it around and experience the positive spiral instead.  By doing this, we will create room for the positive inwardly which will create positive action outwardly, particularly towards those we love the most.

I remember a time when I had just about had it with my teenage daughter.  Our teenagers will be teenagers right?  She said something that really hurt me and I was ready to blow up on her.  This was last year so I had already been using the write and burn tool.  I took a time out instead of blowing up and went and did my write and burn about my anger towards my daughter.  As I burned that paper, I felt the greatest peace and love come over me from my kind and gracious Heavenly Father.  In my mind I heard these words, "This is part of being a parent.  Its not always easy and sometimes they break our hearts.  After all we do, some of our children don't want to have anything to do with us.  I lost a 1/3 of my children.  It pained me extremely to see them leave.  But all we can do is love them.  Love them and recognize that they have their agency.  As parents, we do the best we can to teach them and love them, but in the end, they need to decide for themselves.  But we always love them, no matter what."  I was overwhelmed with gratitude for this insight and realization of what my Father in Heaven has experienced and continues to experience with His children.  He's a PERFECT parent and His children still leave Him, denounce Him and betray Him!  When I was done burning, not only did I feel a sense of peace and strength, but I also felt love towards my daughter when before I had felt anger and even hate.  By letting go of my negative feelings, I was able to be the mother I wanted to be to my daughter.  I was able to love her no matter what she threw at me.  Becoming aware and letting go is the key!
 
I have a gem of a husband.  I have put him through so much, blown up on him several times, and yet he has continued to stay by my side, loving me, supporting me and praying for me.  I am truly blessed and he is truly amazing.  Our relationship has dramatically changed as I have found healing this past year.  That doesn't mean that every problem in our relationship was because of me, neither are you the cause of every problem in your relationships.  Our spouses, children and parents are not perfect either and also make mistakes.  Some of us may find ourselves in abusive relationships.  I cannot tell you how to proceed if you are in that kind of a relationship.  That is between you and God and hopefully a priesthood leader, ecclesiastical leader, or therapist.  However, I can testify that when we heal and take care of the issues within ourselves, we open up space for our spouses, children or parents to change too.  They still have their agency though.  They might not take that opportunity to change and at that point we need to make an inspired decision on how to proceed.  But I do know that because I decided to stop focusing on what my husband was doing wrong and started focusing on changing myself, we both benefited and our relationship greatly improved.

Due to our negative beliefs about ourselves, we have holes in our heart that we can't fill.  Those holes can be the need to feel good enough, loved, wanted, accepted, appreciated, etc.  Because of our lack of ability to fill our own holes, we depend and expect others to fill them.  So to explain it in another way, instead of filling our empty holes internally, we try to get them filled externally.  I remember days, particularly on Sunday, when I had gotten all dressed up nice.  I would be so anxious for my husband to see me because I was hoping, needing and even expecting him to tell me I looked beautiful.  I wasn't able to give myself that compliment because I didn't believe it was true about me, so I was expecting my husband to fill that need for me.  When he didn't say it, I would be angry and frustrated with him.  And that anger and frustration with him would last for days.  

Favorite Quote #16 (from one of my favorite movies, Peaceful Warrior):

If you don't get what you want, you suffer.  And even if you get exactly what you want you still suffer because you can't hold onto it forever.

Isn't that true?  Even when my husband did tell me I was beautiful, it wasn't enough.  I wasn't satisfied with just hearing it once.  Because that one time didn't fill my hole inside, I expected him to say it to me all the time and when he didn't, I was mad at him.  

Repeat of Favorite Quote #6:

You'll never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need won't satisfy.

The root of the problem was that I wasn't giving myself what I really needed.  What I really needed was to let go of the negative beliefs and believe that I was beautiful.  And that belief needed to be based on truth, who I REALLY was, not who the world or Satan told me I should be.  I AM beautiful because my spirit is beautiful.  I've already talked a lot about this in my other posts.  Because I hadn't found worth in who I was as a spirit daughter of God, I had a hole in my heart.  And because I didn't understand how to satisfactorily fill that hole, I thought getting it from others would do the trick.  But it didn't.

Favorite Quote #17:

Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have.

So true!  What we really need is to make peace with who we are.  Until then, whatever we have or whatever we get will not satisfy us.  So in addition to not satisfying our REAL need, there is another problem that occurs in this method of externally filling our holes.  How many of us have a hard time accepting a compliment?  Let's say someone tells me I'm beautiful.  In the past, I responded with, "Oh no!  My hair is a disaster today.  I'm breaking out all over the place and I forgot to put on my necklace.  If I would have just had more time I would look so much better."  We can't just say thank you.  We make up excuses, reasons and justifications for why we don't look better.  Or we do things to our bodies to change them in order make them look better so we can be acceptable according to the standards of the world.  Why?  It's because of our programming.  We have an internal belief that "I am ugly".  No matter what anyone tells us, it won't sink in because we've already programmed our brain to believe "I am ugly".  When my husband would tell me I was beautiful, it would just ricochet off of my belief that I wasn't.  And yet I would get mad at him for not saying it to me more often.  Its a total Catch 22!  Our husbands tell us we're beautiful, but we just tell them we're not and give them all these reasons why we're not.  So in their minds they are thinking, "Well, why should I tell her she's beautiful when she doesn't accept the compliment anyway and then she just gets upset at me for saying it to her."  We train them to not tell us we're beautiful!  And then a day or two later, we get mad at them for not telling us we're beautiful on that day!  Now he's thinking, "What am I supposed to do?  I can't do anything right!"  As a result, they start pulling away from us because they fear making us upset and angry.  What is a man to do?!  Let's just laugh for a minute ok!  Let's just laugh at ourselves!  It really is quite funny!  I'm laughing at myself too because I did this to my husband all the time.  No wonder he walked around the house saying, "I just don't understand women!!"  We're hilarious!  We don't intend to be, but we are!  We're kind of awesome like that!  Hahaha!  Its ok to laugh at ourselves sometimes.  We are doing the best we can and as we gain more knowledge and understanding about how our brain works and the reasons why things happen as they do, then we gain the power to change.  Laughter and a sense of humor, particularly about ourselves, is a huge strength.  But its ok.  There is a way out of this!  We get out of this pattern by becoming aware of our negative beliefs, thoughts and feelings, by trapping them or letting them go, then by replacing them with positive, truth-based beliefs.  As we do this, our behavior starts changing.  We are easier to get along with and its easier for others to want to be around us and compliment us.

I don't think I have been complimented as much in my entire life as I have been this past while.  Because I now know who I am and because I love who I REALLY am, it radiates.  I am shining brighter than I ever have before!  A short time ago I was in a store around 10:00 in the morning.  The gal that was ringing my stuff up for me said to me, "You are so beautiful!  I don't think its possible for someone to look so beautiful this early in the morning!"  I literally broke down into tears.  I told her how much it meant to me that she would say that and told her it had been a long journey to get to where I was that day.  She came around the checkout counter and gave me a big hug.  I was so touched and cried again once I got back into the car.  My husband has also been telling me I am beautiful more so than ever before in our marriage.  So why all of the compliments in my life lately?  I really don't believe its because I have lost weight.  I have lost weight before and haven't gotten this many compliments.  I believe its because I have changed on the inside.  I have filled my holes internally instead of trying to get them filled externally.  I believe that I am a beautiful soul and I thank my Heavenly Father every day for my life and who I am.  I am shining brighter because I am filled with positive energy instead of negative energy.  Remember that our thoughts are energy.  As I have replaced my negative thoughts with positive ones, I have given off positive energy instead of negative.  People notice and are drawn to my positive energy.  That's why I've received more compliments lately.  It has nothing to do with how my physical body has changed and everything to do with how my internal beliefs have changed!  The coolest part about it is that I don't need those compliments anymore.  I don't rely on compliments and others' opinions of me to be happy.  By filling my holes internally and giving myself what I really needed, I am happier, more at peace, and more fulfilled and the compliments are just icing on the cake.

Favorite Quote #18:

I want you to stop gathering information from outside yourself and start getting it from the inside.  People are afraid of what's inside.  And that's the only place they're ever going to find what they need.

Peaceful Warrior

So our goal is to love ourselves and accept ourselves instead of expecting everyone else to make us feel loved and accepted.  That is the only way we are going to get what we truly need.  This is not pride!!!  There is a difference between pride and self-confidence. Remember when I talked about the pride stick.  Let me show you an illustration of what I mean.

I've talked about the two ends of the pride stick.  One end is self-hatred and loathing, the "I'm less than" or "I'm not good enough" side.  The other end is egotistical and vain, the "I'm better than" side.  Both of these extremes are pride.  Both of these are external meaning we are depending on other people and circumstances to fill our needs for us.  It means we usually use comparison to other people and the world as our standard in order to find out where we stand.  Either of these extremes leaves us feeling miserable, unhappy, and empty.  Where we want to be is in the middle.  We want to be balanced between these two extremes.  We want to be humble.  We want to believe that we are nothing and everything at the same time.  Do you see that when we separate these two beliefs of "I am nothing" and "I am everything" we get unbalanced and pushed off to the extremes?  We want to believe both!  We want to be internal and have self-confidence, self-love, self-acceptance, and self-assurance.  We want to feel contentment, peace and happiness.  Being in the middle, being balanced, comes as a result of believing both.  First, we acknowledge that we are nothing.  We recognize that we were created from the dust of the earth and that we are one among trillions of God's creations.  It also means we recognize how great God is.  We understand that He created not only all of us, but also worlds without number.  Second, we recognize that because we are one among many, we are special.  We are unique.  We have a purpose on this earth that only we can fulfill.  There is a reason we are here. We each have a work to perform and through our gifts, talents, and experiences we can fulfill that work.  I don't believe in coincidence and I don't believe in luck.  I believe there is a purpose for every person on earth and every thing that happens under heaven.  When we turn to God for help in accomplishing His will and purpose for us, then we will be able to do whatever He asks of us.  "With God all things are possible."  We are powerful and we are divine!  As Brigham Young said in the quote I used in my last post, we are the "germ of Diety." When we embrace these two beliefs about who we are, then not only do we have peace, joy and fulfillment in our personal lives, but it then radiates out from us into our relationships.

In my next post, I want to share with you an incredible tool that has not only helped me know what makes me tick and feel on top of the world, but it has also helped me to understand my husband and my children better so that I can better relate to them.  Its another simple, wonderful tool that has helped me change my relationships with the people I love most and is helping many others do the same.  In the meantime, please continue to use your little black book and the write and burn tools.  Becoming aware and letting go are the keys to not only feeling happy and healthy within ourselves, but to having happy and healthy relationships!  I know you can do this because I have done this!  Be patient with the process and you will reap the results!  Let me know how you are doing and once again please email me or comment at the end of this post if you have any questions or comments!

And remember . . . you ARE beautiful because you are YOU!!

be.YOU.tiful!