Our Children

So I feel a huge need to talk about our sweet children.  However, I also had some fear creep up that I shouldn't make this post.  I'm taking that fear as Satan trying to stop me from saying what I'm about to say, so I'm going to have faith and say it.  I'm not going to sugar coat.  I'm going to be straight forward because I believe there are things we need to be aware of as parents to this amazing generation of  children.  I have no desire to offend you or make you feel guilty.  Remember I was in a not-so-good place a short time ago.  I really wish someone would have said this stuff to me a long time ago so I could have been more aware and maybe have even changed some things.  So please know I am saying this with love and with a sincere desire to help us and our families be happier and healthier.

As parents, we desire more than anything to protect our children from the evils and heartaches of the world.  It pains us when we see our children display behaviors or beliefs that hurt them and destroy their peace and happiness.  So what can we do?  We've talked a lot about how we can change our relationships in the previous two posts.  But I also feel there are two other really important things we need to do for our children in order for them to be ok in this crazy world we live in.  The first is that we need to be open, honest, and real with them about what is going on in their lives, in the world and also about how Satan is trying to attack them and drag them down into sorrow, misery, and despair.  The second is that we have to be their parents.  We need to teach them and also allow them to learn early through their own experience that every choice comes with a consequence.  As parents we also need to set boundaries about what we will allow in our homes and what we won't.  Kids thrive when there are boundaries.  Boundaries make them feel safe and secure.

I recently went to some classes about the challenges of our day and what our children are facing growing up in this world.  One of the classes was on substance abuse in my hometown taught by a local police officer.  Someone asked him what was the #1 reason why these teenagers turned to drugs.  He responded, "Pressure."  He said when he asked that question to the kids that had gotten busted, they responded that life was just too much and they needed a way out, an escape.  Isn't that the reason we also go to food or other addictions?  We want to go unconscious so we don't have to deal with the realities of life.  The pressures and stresses of life begin when we are young.  They come from many different sources-the world, grades, sports, music, drama, parents, friends, etc.  Our teens have so much going on in their lives and so many activities demanding their time and attention.  We need to recognize this as parents.  Can we help to simplify their lives in any way?  Are we the source of any of that pressure?  Are we pushing them too much to do too much?

Another question that was asked was how do we as parents help prevent our kids from turning to drugs or alcohol or food.  His answer was, "Be open with them.  Know what is going on in their lives.  Talk with them not at them.  Be there for them."  Teenagers are hard.  Many of them give us the impression that they don't want to be talked to or bothered by us.  However, they are actually screaming inside for our love and attention and someone to talk to.  I shared an experience in my last post about how I went down to my daughters room and just let her talk.  It was amazing!  I didn't try to tell her what to do or correct her in any way.  I just let her talk and that was incredibly healing for our relationship and for both of us individually.  She was much happier the next day because she felt loved and had been given the chance to just talk about life.  I was much happier because I had been the kind of parent that I wanted to be down deep inside.  I know we think that as their parents we need to be telling them how to live their lives.  But if we force our opinions on our kids too much, if we lecture them too much, they will tune us out and nothing we say will get through to them.  They could even get to the point of rebellion from us because through our constant lectures and advice, we put too much pressure on them to be different than what they are.  And to be honest, that is where the belief that they are not good enough can take root.  Allowing our kids to figure out solutions to their problems themselves goes a lot farther than us telling them how to solve all their problems.  They will figure it out.  They want to be happy too.  And in addition they will gain self-confidence and strength as they realize they can figure out their own problems.  So lets try to just be there more for our kids.  There's nothing wrong with teaching them, but let's talk with them not at them.  Let's realize that even though their struggles and issues may seem lame and overly dramatic, they are real for them.  You remember how it was being a teenager!  Many of us don't want to remember because it was just plain tough!  ;)  Everything is a very big deal in the mind of a teenager!  So let's be there for them, respect them and even help them let go of some of the pressures in their lives.

Now there is the other side of this.  Sometimes we think that loving our kids means we let them do what they want and we protect them from anything hard.  Or we want so desperately for them to like us that we decide its more important to be their friends.  We are not their friends!  We are their parents!  This was also brought up by the police officer in the substance abuse class.  He said that parents of today, not all but some, are not letting their kids feel the consequences of their actions.  Instead these parents protect their kids from consequences because they don't want their kids to feel pain or they don't want their kids to be upset with them.  Then those kids end up learning the really hard way when the consequences of their actions are severe.  Someone once said to me, "Parents of today are giving their kids too much rope and then those kids are taking that rope and hanging themselves with it."  Its a tough reality, but its true.  We need to give our kids the opportunity at a young age to make choices and then be ready and willing to enforce consequences for those choices.   I know we just love our kids.  I know that we want to protect them from the evils of the world.  I do too.  But loving our children means we teach them about the real world in order to give them the best possible chance of having a happy, purposeful life.  They need to learn and fully understand that every choice comes with a consequence.  Wouldn't it be better to teach our kids this when they are young with the consequence of going to their room instead of when they are older with the consequence of going to jail?

Favorite Quote #19:

We are free to choose our paths, but we can't choose the consequences that come with them.

Sean Covey,  The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

For a long time, I just wanted my kids to like me so I would often give into their wishes.  I would buy them things when they would ask for them at the store.  I wouldn't give them the consequences they needed in order to learn from their actions.  And it was all because I needed so desperately to be accepted by them.  I needed them to like me so bad (because I didn't like me-I was very external) that I did whatever they wanted.  I now realize what a great disservice I did to my kids.  I have seen some of the negative results that have come from raising my kids that way and I am trying to rectify them.  There is some entitlement and pride in their thinking. There is some disrespect where they think mom is just their slave and that I should do whatever they want me to do when they want me to do it.  Now I am not going to beat myself up over this so I don't want you to either.  I did the best I could with the knowledge and the abilities I had at the time.  Now I am different so I have the power and the ability to change the way I parent.  Because I have gained self-confidence and self-love over the last year, I have put my foot down more.  I haven't allowed them to walk all over me.  I have set my boundaries.  It has worked with some, but one in particular is still struggling with this "new mom".  So if you have struggled like this, please don't think you're too late to do anything about it.  We are never too late to change the way we parent because we will always be their parents.

So let's work on our emotional state.  Let's let go of the negative feelings and trap the negative thoughts.    If we let go of our own stuff, then our own agenda is taken out of our parenting and we can parent the way we truly desire.  Let's make an effort to talk with our kids more and be there for them more.  Let's remove any unneeded pressures from their lives.  Let's also have a long-term perspective of what we want for our children.  Let's change the way we think.  Instead let's say, "Oh my daughter messed up!  Yeah!  Now she gets to learn a wonderful life lesson!"  I know this is the way God thinks.  As hard as it is for Him to see us suffering, He knows that, if we choose to, we can learn an extremely valuable lesson from our pain that will enable us to become more like Him.  So He let's us feel the consequence of our actions because more than anything He wants us to go through our refiner's fire so that we can return to Him one day.  The scriptures are the greatest resource we have on how to be a Christlike parent.  Let's read them and think about how our Father in Heaven parents us in order to know how to be better parents.  There is also an amazing talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks entitled Love and Law which is all about how God parents us and how we need to parent our children.  Here is the link to it - Elder Oaks - Love and Law.  Another great resource for this type of parenting is Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline.  If you want a step by step approach on how to parent in the way I have described, this book has some great ideas.

Hang in there and keep pressing forward!  I don't mean to overwhelm you or frustrate you with all of this information.  All we can do is take one step at time.  Don't feel guilty if you're not able to act on all of this information right away.  However, as you become more aware of these different issues in your life, you gain the power to change them.  So pat yourself on the back that you are becoming more aware.  Then, as you feel you are able and ready, start implementing something new in your life.  My change took place over a year.  It was very gradual, slow and steady.  I believe that is the reason it has stuck with me.  Often if we go too fast trying to change something or are not patient with ourselves, that change doesn't stick because we become too frustrated that we're not changing quicker.  So don't set any high expectations for yourself.  Do the best you can in the moment.  Just be in the moment.  This very moment is the only thing that matters because its the only thing you truly have.

Favorite Quote #20:

Take out the trash.  The trash is anything that's keeping you from the only thing that matters.  This moment, here, now.  And when you truly are in the here and now you'll be amazed at what you can do and how well you can do it.

Peaceful Warrior

be.YOU.tiful!!!

Tool Three - The Emotional Fingerprint

I so hope you are seeing a change in your life!  I hope that if you have decided to use the tools that you are feeling lighter and are able to deal with life better.  I know these tools and the information I have given you can change your life if you will just make the decision to use it and apply it!!  And the exciting thing is that there is always more truth to learn!  Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.

I promised in my last post that I would give you a tool to help with your relationships.  It is a simple tool that helps us find out who we are by recognizing the things that make us feel on top of the world.  This tool also distinguishes from getting our needs met externally vs. getting them met internally.  So you are already on your way to understanding this new tool because in my last post you learned the difference between external and internal fulfillment of our needs.  Once we use this new tool for ourselves, we can then have our family do it which enables us to know what makes them tick and feel amazing and thus helps us better relate to them.  By using this tool, I have had increased fulfillment in my own life and because I have had my husband and children do it too, our relationships have greatly improved.  Its called the Emotional Fingerprint.

A short time ago I was introduced to a man named Woody Woodward.  He has an incredible story, but what's even more amazing is what he has done with his story.  He has used his experiences and gifts to do tons of research and thousands of interviews on not only how to personally live a more fulfilling and rewarding life, but also how to interact better with family members, friends, and associates.  He created this tool of the Emotional Fingerprint which basically has us identify 7 different key things that make us feel amazing.  It really is just that simple.  Like I have said many times before, the more aware we can become about ourselves, the more power and forward momentum we can have.  This tool that Woody has created is based in truth which is why it is working for so many people who are already using it and applying it in their lives.  If you think about tools in a tool belt, they are a means to help get the job done better and quicker.  They don't replace the job, they assist us in it.  That is exactly what these emotional tools can do for us.  They are not a replacement of truth, but rather a facilitator of truth to help us get this job of life done in a way that enables us to be healthier and happier in all areas of our life.

After finding out my own Emotional Fingerprint, I had each of my children and my husband do it also.  I have a lovely 14 year old teenage daughter.  We have a hard time getting along and it pains me terribly because all I want is to be close to her and be able to be there for her.  After she did the Emotional Fingerprint, I realized some of the reasons why we were struggling in our relationship.  Some of the things I was doing were causing her to fight back.  My daughter plays basketball and just a day or two before I had her do the Emotional Fingerprint, she had said to my husband (who then told me because he felt I needed to know;)) that I was not allowed to come to any more of her basketball games unless I kept my mouth shut. :0 Ok I'll admit I am a very competitive person and I just really get into my kids' games and probably open my mouth too much.  We just want them to excel and do their best right?  Well, apparently my efforts to do that were very unappreciated by my daughter.  One of the 7 things that she picked on her Emotional Fingerprint was "free and independent".  She felt on top of the world when she felt "free and independent".  When I would shout out in her games, I was creating a rift between us because she didn't feel "free and independent" when I did that.  She didn't want me to tell her what to do.  Now granted a lot of teenagers have this need.  Our Emotional Fingerprint can change over time due to big events or changes in our body and mind.  At this stage of her life, feeling "free and independent" is very important to her.  So one of the ways I tried to strengthen our relationship was by no longer telling her what to do on the basketball court.  I used some self-restraint and kept my mouth shut at her games.

A couple of nights after she did the Emotional Fingerprint, I decided I was going to go test it out by going down to her room and chatting with her.  I had committed all of her 7 things to memory so that I could communicate with her based on her needs.  Another one of her 7 things was being in a loving relationship.  I was able to fill 2 of her needs by communicating with her in a loving way without offending her need to feel free and independent.  By the end of our conversation, I was able to in some way fulfill all 7 of the things that made her feel awesome and important.  We hugged and she told me she loved me.  The next morning, she said to me, "So you're coming to my game today right?"  Holy cow!  Just a couple days before she was saying she didn't want me at her games and now she was making sure I was going to be there!  And this all happened because I used my daughters Emotional Fingerprint to better relate to her.  It is amazing and it works!  I have used each of my children's Emotional Fingerprint to better relate to them and better understand what they need in their lives in order to feel awesome.  My son's Emotional Fingerprint blew me away!  He is a very calm, quiet kid and doesn't put up much of a stink around the house.  The 7 things he chose that made him feel amazing were things I really would not have picked for him.  So I went to go talk to him just to make sure he had done it right.  My son loves to play video games.  So as we went over his Emotional Fingerprint, I realized that when he plays his video games, all 7 of his needs get met.  No wonder he loves video games so much!!  Validation, appreciation, praise, needed and others!  So I determined in that moment to give my son more of the things he needs so that he won't have to go elsewhere to get those things fulfilled.  Don't we as parents want to do everything we can to make our children feel awesome, loved, understood and confident?  Now of course we have our family rules.  Just because I am using my children's Emotional Fingerprint to better relate to them doesn't mean I give in to all their wants and desires.  We have a time limit for my son on video games. We still have guidelines and rules in our family, but the way in which I enforce them is different so that at the same time I can be fulfilling my children's Emotional Fingerprints.

My husband's Emotional Fingerprint has been harder to nail down.  He has had a hard time choosing which 7 things apply to him the most.  But as we have paid attention to when he is happy and then when he gets frustrated or upset, we are discovering his 7 things.  Knowing each others' 7 needs are helping us relate and understand each other so much better.  I have a need to feel "accepted" which I always knew but which the Emotional Fingerprint helped nail down even more for me.  So my husband now knows that if he can be careful about not offending my need to feel accepted in our conversations, then our conversation goes better.  I am also learning to be more internal with my need to feel accepted so what other people say or do doesn't bother me as much.  As I am learning similar things about my husband, it enables me in our interactions to give him the things that he needs.  I think the world of Woody and absolutely love the awareness this tool has given me in my relationships so that I can do my part to make them happier and healthier.  Its an incredible tool!!

In order to better explain this tool to you, I really need to chat with you over the phone and even meet with you.  Woody also does home presentations so if enough of you are interested we can set up a time where Woody can come and share with all of us this incredible information.  Please email me at rachellerchase@yahoo.com or comment at the end of this post if you are interested.  You can also learn more about Woody and the Emotional Fingerprint at nomoretherapy.com.  I have included a link to Woody over in my Links to Amazing People list.  I just love the Emotional Fingerprint and it has completely helped me revolutionize the way I deal with my family members so that we are all happier and more fulfilled in our lives.  It works!

I'll leave this post as is and I'll be back soon to talk about something else that is critical to our healing!  Stay tuned and please . . .

be.YOU.tiful!!

Our Relationships

So how are you?  I know its only been a few days since my last post about the tools, but I am very anxious to hear how you are doing.  Have you used the tools?  Do you see a change in yourself as a result of using them?  Or are you frustrated and having a hard time with them?  I know this is unchartered territory for a lot of you, and scary too, so please feel free to ask me anything or share anything with me.  Please also know that now that you have come to an awareness of how to begin this healing process, Satan is going to work extra hard to distract and dissuade you from using the tools.  He knows the peace and joy letting go can bring you, so he will do all in his power to get you to not do it.  Whether it is through discouragement that the tools are not working right away or the many distractions that come at us in life that cause you to not take the time to use the tools, please recognize those are all the efforts of Satan to stop you in your healing process.  I know that this really happens because I have experienced it myself and also have seen it recently in the life of a dear friend.  She has been saying for several weeks that she needed to do the write and burn but life just kept getting in the way.  Finally today she sat down to do it because the anger she was feeling was taking over her life.  As I talked to her, she told me what a relief she was already feeling.  She felt calmer and more able to deal with her children in the way that she wanted and knew was right as opposed to getting upset, angry and uptight with them.  These tools work because they are based in truth!  It just takes once!  Try trapping your negative thoughts in your little black book just once.  Do a write and burn just once.  If you do, I promise you will see the difference it can make in your life which will then feed your faith and your motivation to use them again.  Please let me know how you are doing.  If you want a more private way to contact me please use my email.  It is rachellerchase@yahoo.com.  I just want to help you so please feel free to share your thoughts or questions with me!!

I had been struggling about what to make this next post about, then once again, I received an extremely touching comment from a sweet friend of mine.  Because of her comments, I felt inspired to write about relationships.  So thank you my sweet friend!  I know so many others struggle with this topic, so your willingness to open up and be real is helping others!

One of the most painful side effects of eating disorders, depression, or addiction is how our relationships suffer.  I believe all of us more than anything want to be the best mother or father, wife or husband, daughter or son that we can be.  But because of our crippling negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves, not only do we suffer, but our family suffers as well.  As we continue to shove down those difficult negative thoughts and feelings, they build.  Our patience wears thin.  Our ability to control our negative emotions diminishes.  And then, like I said in my Letting Go post, when the dam breaks, its our family that gets hurt the most.  As a result, we beat ourselves up for the way we acted towards a loved one and that guilt and shame takes us down, down, down that negative spiral to a point where we may even have the thought that our family would be better off without us.  I think most of us desperately want healthy and happy relationships.  We don't want the difficulty in our relationships and usually our negative actions are unintentional.  We are tired of the struggle not only within ourselves, but also with the people that we care about the most.  

I believe our first problem goes back to what I have been saying all along.  Because we bury and suppress our negative thoughts and feelings and because we have negative beliefs about ourselves, our actions tend to follow.  Remember the thought cycle I mentioned a few posts back?  Let me illustrate it for you.

Everything we do begins with a thought.  Those thoughts can come from anywhere and many of them are not based in truth.  If we have a negative thought about ourselves which we have chosen to believe is true about us, it leads to a negative feeling which then leads to a negative action and then a negative result.  Then from that negative result we get another negative thought and down we go in our negative spiral.  Here is illustrated both the negative/downward spiral and the positive/upward spiral and the feelings associated with each.

When we are filled with negative thoughts and feelings, our actions towards those we love become more negative.  If you think about it logically, it makes sense.  If we are filled up inside with negative, then negative is what's going to come out.  However, most of us don't want to act negatively and we try so hard to not be this way.  Most of us want to be over on the upward spiral experiencing all the wonderful feelings that come with it and reaping all the fantastic results that come from it.  But we can't go against nature.  A negative thought reaps a negative result just as a positive thought will reap a positive result.  This is just how it works.  Call it the natural law of the thought process.  So what do we do?  How do we keep ourselves from being pulled down the negative spiral?  We stay aware of our thoughts and feelings!  We trap those negative thoughts and we let go of those negative feelings.  We stop the thought cycle at the thought or the feeling so that it cannot get to the action stage.  If we stop the thought cycle from getting to the action stage, then we can stop the negative spiral from ever having a chance.  We can turn it around and experience the positive spiral instead.  By doing this, we will create room for the positive inwardly which will create positive action outwardly, particularly towards those we love the most.

I remember a time when I had just about had it with my teenage daughter.  Our teenagers will be teenagers right?  She said something that really hurt me and I was ready to blow up on her.  This was last year so I had already been using the write and burn tool.  I took a time out instead of blowing up and went and did my write and burn about my anger towards my daughter.  As I burned that paper, I felt the greatest peace and love come over me from my kind and gracious Heavenly Father.  In my mind I heard these words, "This is part of being a parent.  Its not always easy and sometimes they break our hearts.  After all we do, some of our children don't want to have anything to do with us.  I lost a 1/3 of my children.  It pained me extremely to see them leave.  But all we can do is love them.  Love them and recognize that they have their agency.  As parents, we do the best we can to teach them and love them, but in the end, they need to decide for themselves.  But we always love them, no matter what."  I was overwhelmed with gratitude for this insight and realization of what my Father in Heaven has experienced and continues to experience with His children.  He's a PERFECT parent and His children still leave Him, denounce Him and betray Him!  When I was done burning, not only did I feel a sense of peace and strength, but I also felt love towards my daughter when before I had felt anger and even hate.  By letting go of my negative feelings, I was able to be the mother I wanted to be to my daughter.  I was able to love her no matter what she threw at me.  Becoming aware and letting go is the key!
 
I have a gem of a husband.  I have put him through so much, blown up on him several times, and yet he has continued to stay by my side, loving me, supporting me and praying for me.  I am truly blessed and he is truly amazing.  Our relationship has dramatically changed as I have found healing this past year.  That doesn't mean that every problem in our relationship was because of me, neither are you the cause of every problem in your relationships.  Our spouses, children and parents are not perfect either and also make mistakes.  Some of us may find ourselves in abusive relationships.  I cannot tell you how to proceed if you are in that kind of a relationship.  That is between you and God and hopefully a priesthood leader, ecclesiastical leader, or therapist.  However, I can testify that when we heal and take care of the issues within ourselves, we open up space for our spouses, children or parents to change too.  They still have their agency though.  They might not take that opportunity to change and at that point we need to make an inspired decision on how to proceed.  But I do know that because I decided to stop focusing on what my husband was doing wrong and started focusing on changing myself, we both benefited and our relationship greatly improved.

Due to our negative beliefs about ourselves, we have holes in our heart that we can't fill.  Those holes can be the need to feel good enough, loved, wanted, accepted, appreciated, etc.  Because of our lack of ability to fill our own holes, we depend and expect others to fill them.  So to explain it in another way, instead of filling our empty holes internally, we try to get them filled externally.  I remember days, particularly on Sunday, when I had gotten all dressed up nice.  I would be so anxious for my husband to see me because I was hoping, needing and even expecting him to tell me I looked beautiful.  I wasn't able to give myself that compliment because I didn't believe it was true about me, so I was expecting my husband to fill that need for me.  When he didn't say it, I would be angry and frustrated with him.  And that anger and frustration with him would last for days.  

Favorite Quote #16 (from one of my favorite movies, Peaceful Warrior):

If you don't get what you want, you suffer.  And even if you get exactly what you want you still suffer because you can't hold onto it forever.

Isn't that true?  Even when my husband did tell me I was beautiful, it wasn't enough.  I wasn't satisfied with just hearing it once.  Because that one time didn't fill my hole inside, I expected him to say it to me all the time and when he didn't, I was mad at him.  

Repeat of Favorite Quote #6:

You'll never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need won't satisfy.

The root of the problem was that I wasn't giving myself what I really needed.  What I really needed was to let go of the negative beliefs and believe that I was beautiful.  And that belief needed to be based on truth, who I REALLY was, not who the world or Satan told me I should be.  I AM beautiful because my spirit is beautiful.  I've already talked a lot about this in my other posts.  Because I hadn't found worth in who I was as a spirit daughter of God, I had a hole in my heart.  And because I didn't understand how to satisfactorily fill that hole, I thought getting it from others would do the trick.  But it didn't.

Favorite Quote #17:

Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have.

So true!  What we really need is to make peace with who we are.  Until then, whatever we have or whatever we get will not satisfy us.  So in addition to not satisfying our REAL need, there is another problem that occurs in this method of externally filling our holes.  How many of us have a hard time accepting a compliment?  Let's say someone tells me I'm beautiful.  In the past, I responded with, "Oh no!  My hair is a disaster today.  I'm breaking out all over the place and I forgot to put on my necklace.  If I would have just had more time I would look so much better."  We can't just say thank you.  We make up excuses, reasons and justifications for why we don't look better.  Or we do things to our bodies to change them in order make them look better so we can be acceptable according to the standards of the world.  Why?  It's because of our programming.  We have an internal belief that "I am ugly".  No matter what anyone tells us, it won't sink in because we've already programmed our brain to believe "I am ugly".  When my husband would tell me I was beautiful, it would just ricochet off of my belief that I wasn't.  And yet I would get mad at him for not saying it to me more often.  Its a total Catch 22!  Our husbands tell us we're beautiful, but we just tell them we're not and give them all these reasons why we're not.  So in their minds they are thinking, "Well, why should I tell her she's beautiful when she doesn't accept the compliment anyway and then she just gets upset at me for saying it to her."  We train them to not tell us we're beautiful!  And then a day or two later, we get mad at them for not telling us we're beautiful on that day!  Now he's thinking, "What am I supposed to do?  I can't do anything right!"  As a result, they start pulling away from us because they fear making us upset and angry.  What is a man to do?!  Let's just laugh for a minute ok!  Let's just laugh at ourselves!  It really is quite funny!  I'm laughing at myself too because I did this to my husband all the time.  No wonder he walked around the house saying, "I just don't understand women!!"  We're hilarious!  We don't intend to be, but we are!  We're kind of awesome like that!  Hahaha!  Its ok to laugh at ourselves sometimes.  We are doing the best we can and as we gain more knowledge and understanding about how our brain works and the reasons why things happen as they do, then we gain the power to change.  Laughter and a sense of humor, particularly about ourselves, is a huge strength.  But its ok.  There is a way out of this!  We get out of this pattern by becoming aware of our negative beliefs, thoughts and feelings, by trapping them or letting them go, then by replacing them with positive, truth-based beliefs.  As we do this, our behavior starts changing.  We are easier to get along with and its easier for others to want to be around us and compliment us.

I don't think I have been complimented as much in my entire life as I have been this past while.  Because I now know who I am and because I love who I REALLY am, it radiates.  I am shining brighter than I ever have before!  A short time ago I was in a store around 10:00 in the morning.  The gal that was ringing my stuff up for me said to me, "You are so beautiful!  I don't think its possible for someone to look so beautiful this early in the morning!"  I literally broke down into tears.  I told her how much it meant to me that she would say that and told her it had been a long journey to get to where I was that day.  She came around the checkout counter and gave me a big hug.  I was so touched and cried again once I got back into the car.  My husband has also been telling me I am beautiful more so than ever before in our marriage.  So why all of the compliments in my life lately?  I really don't believe its because I have lost weight.  I have lost weight before and haven't gotten this many compliments.  I believe its because I have changed on the inside.  I have filled my holes internally instead of trying to get them filled externally.  I believe that I am a beautiful soul and I thank my Heavenly Father every day for my life and who I am.  I am shining brighter because I am filled with positive energy instead of negative energy.  Remember that our thoughts are energy.  As I have replaced my negative thoughts with positive ones, I have given off positive energy instead of negative.  People notice and are drawn to my positive energy.  That's why I've received more compliments lately.  It has nothing to do with how my physical body has changed and everything to do with how my internal beliefs have changed!  The coolest part about it is that I don't need those compliments anymore.  I don't rely on compliments and others' opinions of me to be happy.  By filling my holes internally and giving myself what I really needed, I am happier, more at peace, and more fulfilled and the compliments are just icing on the cake.

Favorite Quote #18:

I want you to stop gathering information from outside yourself and start getting it from the inside.  People are afraid of what's inside.  And that's the only place they're ever going to find what they need.

Peaceful Warrior

So our goal is to love ourselves and accept ourselves instead of expecting everyone else to make us feel loved and accepted.  That is the only way we are going to get what we truly need.  This is not pride!!!  There is a difference between pride and self-confidence. Remember when I talked about the pride stick.  Let me show you an illustration of what I mean.

I've talked about the two ends of the pride stick.  One end is self-hatred and loathing, the "I'm less than" or "I'm not good enough" side.  The other end is egotistical and vain, the "I'm better than" side.  Both of these extremes are pride.  Both of these are external meaning we are depending on other people and circumstances to fill our needs for us.  It means we usually use comparison to other people and the world as our standard in order to find out where we stand.  Either of these extremes leaves us feeling miserable, unhappy, and empty.  Where we want to be is in the middle.  We want to be balanced between these two extremes.  We want to be humble.  We want to believe that we are nothing and everything at the same time.  Do you see that when we separate these two beliefs of "I am nothing" and "I am everything" we get unbalanced and pushed off to the extremes?  We want to believe both!  We want to be internal and have self-confidence, self-love, self-acceptance, and self-assurance.  We want to feel contentment, peace and happiness.  Being in the middle, being balanced, comes as a result of believing both.  First, we acknowledge that we are nothing.  We recognize that we were created from the dust of the earth and that we are one among trillions of God's creations.  It also means we recognize how great God is.  We understand that He created not only all of us, but also worlds without number.  Second, we recognize that because we are one among many, we are special.  We are unique.  We have a purpose on this earth that only we can fulfill.  There is a reason we are here. We each have a work to perform and through our gifts, talents, and experiences we can fulfill that work.  I don't believe in coincidence and I don't believe in luck.  I believe there is a purpose for every person on earth and every thing that happens under heaven.  When we turn to God for help in accomplishing His will and purpose for us, then we will be able to do whatever He asks of us.  "With God all things are possible."  We are powerful and we are divine!  As Brigham Young said in the quote I used in my last post, we are the "germ of Diety." When we embrace these two beliefs about who we are, then not only do we have peace, joy and fulfillment in our personal lives, but it then radiates out from us into our relationships.

In my next post, I want to share with you an incredible tool that has not only helped me know what makes me tick and feel on top of the world, but it has also helped me to understand my husband and my children better so that I can better relate to them.  Its another simple, wonderful tool that has helped me change my relationships with the people I love most and is helping many others do the same.  In the meantime, please continue to use your little black book and the write and burn tools.  Becoming aware and letting go are the keys to not only feeling happy and healthy within ourselves, but to having happy and healthy relationships!  I know you can do this because I have done this!  Be patient with the process and you will reap the results!  Let me know how you are doing and once again please email me or comment at the end of this post if you have any questions or comments!

And remember . . . you ARE beautiful because you are YOU!!

be.YOU.tiful!

Tool One and Tool Two

Don't you love that title?  I got a kick out of it because I was thinking of Dr. Seuss' Thing One and Thing Two.  I am reading Cat in the Hat with my daughter right now so it came to mind.  Haha!  I know.  I'm silly! ;)

So here's another long one.  Take a quiet moment for yourself and read it through.

I mentioned at the beginning of my blog that I had found healing largely through the use of some wonderful, simple tools.  I think therapy is wonderful and does a lot of good.  It absolutely serves a purpose with getting our "stuff" out.  I've done it and it has helped me.  The only problem I had with therapy was that I would go home with all of my stuff still and I had no idea what to do with it.  I would be saying, "Well that therapy session was wonderful, but what do I do now?"  I didn't know how to deal with all of my stuff at home.  These tools have been the answer for me.  Now, when negative thoughts and feelings come up or I am getting signs that my mind is not in a good place, I can reach into my tool belt and pull out the tool that I need at that moment.  So without a therapist, drugs, chocolate, Diet Coke, or bingeing, I am able to shift myself back into a happy, peaceful place within minutes.  I have talked about my pits of despair and how they would last for months.  Months where I was depressed and apathetic.  Now I can shift myself in literally 7 minutes.  These tools are powerful and they work.  But like anything else, if you want them to work for you, then you've got to use them.

I have already talked about Tool One which is recording your negative thoughts in your little black book.  I wrote about it at the end of my post Becoming Aware so go read that if you haven't already.  This tool is largely for those one-liner negative thoughts that you have about yourself.  "I am fat."  "I am ugly."  "I am a terrible person."  "I am the worst mother."  "I am not worthy of love or acceptance."  That little black book acts as a prison for your negative thoughts, so when you write a negative thought down in the book, you trap it.  Believe me, it works.  As I started to become aware of all the negative thoughts I was having about myself, I would write them down in my little black book and they would disappear.  It was amazing!  I would take my little black book with me everywhere so that at anytime I could write those thoughts down.  Now be patient with yourself as you are trying to become more aware of those negative thoughts.  You may not be able to identify them right away, but as you continue to pay attention to what is going on in your mind, you will start catching those negative thoughts as they arise.  So don't give up on it just because you are not totally successful at it right at first.  Persistence pays off.

There's one last thing I want to say about thoughts.  Please know that our thoughts do not define us.  Just because a thought comes into our mind doesn't make it true about us.

Favorite Quote #8 (from one of my all-time favorite movies):

People are not their thoughts.  They think they are and it brings them all kinds of sadness.  The mind is just a reflex organ.  Reacts to everything.  Fills your head with millions of random thoughts a day.  None of those thoughts reveal anymore about you than a freckle does at the end of your nose.

Peaceful Warrior

Our thoughts can come from so many different sources-Satan, the media, friends, family, God, etc.  Its when we attach ourselves to a thought, when we believe that it is true about us, that it becomes us.  My beliefs that "I'm not good enough" and "I have to be perfect in order to be loved and accepted" began as thoughts.  Because I believed those thoughts were true about me, they became me.

Favorite Quote #9:

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.

Chinese Proverb

We have to become aware of the thoughts flying through our mind so that they don't take up permanent residence in it.  Don't automatically believe everything you think.  Pay attention to what is going on in your mind.  Become aware of your thoughts.  Analyze them.  Are they based in truth or error?  If they are untrue, trap them.  Now I know some of you may be thinking, "But I am fat.  That is the truth."  It isn't truth because you are not your body.  You are your spirit.  When we start to define ourselves based on what our body looks like then we are falling into Satan's trap of misery and despair.  Of course Satan wants us to believe that we are just our body.  He doesn't want us to believe that we are anything more than that.  He wants us to believe that having a good looking body is all that matters.  He doesn't want us to remember or believe that we were something before this life and that we will be something after.  He doesn't want us to be focused on the fact that we are first and foremost spiritual beings because as soon as we start focusing on our spirit, then we unite ourselves more closely with God, the father of our spirits.  And that is exactly what Satan doesn't want.

Favorite Quote #10:

Things were first created spiritually; the Father actually begat the spirits, and they were brought forth and lived with him. . . .

I want to tell you, each and every one of you, that you are well acquainted with God our Heavenly Father. . . . You are all well acquainted with him, for there is not a soul of you but what has lived in his house and dwelt with him year after year; and yet you are seeking to become acquainted with him, when the fact is, you have merely forgotten what you did know.

There is not a person here to-day but what is a son or a daughter of that Being. In the spirit world their spirits were first begotten and brought forth, and they lived there with their parents for ages before they came here. . . .

We are the sons and daughters of celestial beings, and the germ of Diety dwells within us. . . .

We are all his children. We are his sons and daughters naturally, and by the principles of eternal life. We are brethren and sisters. 

Discourses of Brigham Young, com. John A. Widtsoe (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1973), pp.

50, 53

We can determine if our thoughts are right or wrong if we remember this truth.  Don't forget who you really are.  If you can always keep in your mind who you really are, spirit sons and daughters of a Heavenly Father, then Satan will have a harder time distracting you.  I don't mean to say this to make you feel guilty.  Remember I allowed several incorrect thoughts to take up permanent residence in my head.  I still had a testimony and a belief of who I was in relation to God.  I prayed and read my scriptures and went to church.  So I know that even if we have a testimony that we are children of God, it may not always prevent those negative thoughts from becoming beliefs.  But if we understand that our thoughts can come from anywhere and that Satan is trying to make us forget who we are by putting negative thoughts into our head, then we can start weeding out the thoughts that are not true and replace them with truth!  The truth is that we are divine!!  We are gods and goddesses in the making!!  This life is about learning and becoming, not about being perfect.  God loves us for who we are right now no matter how much WE think we need to change and improve.  We are never below God's love.  So start imprisoning your negative thoughts in your little black book so you can be free of them!

Tool Two is the tool I promised you in my last post.  It is the tool I still use to "let go" of the negative feelings that come up.  Something we have to remember about feelings is that feelings are just feelings.  We are not bad because we have a negative feeling.  Judging ourselves harshly for things we feel is a tool of Satan to get us to spiral down into depression and addiction.  We are mortals, put on this earth to feel and experience all the feelings available to man.  We are going to feel hatred, envy, anger, shame, etc. because even the negative feelings are part of the package of being mortal.  The problem comes in when we don't let go of those negative feelings.  We are told in scripture that we are all carnal and mortal because of the Fall of Adam.  The only way to overcome the natural, mortal, carnal condition is by letting go of the negative, or in other words, using Christ's Atonement to repent and allowing ourselves to be influenced and taught by the Spirit of God.  And what is the Spirit?  TRUTH!

Favorite Scripture #2:

For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord. . . .

The Book of Mormon, Mosiah 3:19

What this scripture tells me is that our natural man condition is part of the consequence of the Fall.  However, we are not to continue on in this life allowing our natural man to control our actions.  If we want to return to our Heavenly Father and become like Him, part of our job during this life is learning to become aware of our natural man tendencies and then rid ourselves of them to the best of our ability.  By yielding to the Spirit, or truth, we can put off the natural man.  Another way to phrase "putting off" is "letting go".  This tool enables us to do just this.

Much like the little black book tool, this tool, which I call the write and burn, requires us to become aware of our negative feelings when they arise.  How can we rid ourselves of our negative feelings if we don't recognize they are there?  So start paying attention.  When you start feeling anger, shame, guilt, envy, frustration, hate, etc., then go take a time out and use this tool.  You'll want to grab a blank sheet of paper.  On the paper, you'll write, "I feel _____ because. . . ."  Then you'll just write whatever comes to your mind.  And I mean whatever!!  We are not judging ourselves for what we are feeling.  Feelings are what they are.  We are letting it go so just write whatever you feel and whatever comes to your mind.  Ask questions.  Why do you feel this way?  Did someone do or say something to you that hurt you?  Are you remembering a past painful experience?  Keep asking why as you write and try to get back to the root of where that feeling came from.  I know this is hard.  Its ok to cry.  Its ok.  Just get it all out on that paper.  Now we're not done yet.  You're going to need a #10 can.  When you're done writing, say a little prayer.  Say a prayer asking God for forgiveness for having this negative feeling towards anyone, any experience, or towards yourself.  That is the repenting part.  You're recognizing that you don't want that mortal man feeling to affect you anymore.  Then you ask for His help in letting the feeling go.  That is the part where you acknowledge your mortality and your need for His divinity.  Lastly, you are going to take all of your frustration and anger out on that paper by crumpling and tearing it up, then put it all in your #10 can . . . and burn it.  And as you burn that paper, say a prayer of gratitude, thanking your Heavenly Father for allowing you to be at this point of letting go and helping you to do it.  I cannot tell you how therapeutic this is.  Its such a beautiful process!

I'm sure you can see the symbolism in burning this piece of paper.  I love to think about it in this way.  We had a ton of fires in Utah this past year.  They're pretty scary, especially if they break out close to your home.  We had a fire break out on the mountains right behind us this past summer and it really freaked us out.  We weren't even home and had to have our neighbors collect our valuables for us because our neighborhood was being evacuated.  In the end, our neighborhood was safe and I don't believe it destroyed any houses because the fire department did such a good job containing it.  After we got back home, my husband and son went mountain biking through the fire area.  There are tons of trails up where the fire blazed.  This is what they saw.

Look at all that new growth!  And this was a week or two after the fire ceased!  As scary as fires are, they are incredibly renewing and cleansing for the environment.  Healthy, beautiful, new growth is able to sprout as a result.  This is exactly what happens to our soul when we burn that piece of paper.  It most definitely can be very hard and scary.  After all, we may have written about things that have been buried for a very long time.  Things that we have suppressed because it was easier and safer to do that than to face them.  We may break down in tears.  You may fear letting it go not knowing what is going to take the place of that negative feeling.  That is a legitimate concern.  I really can't tell you what will fill the hole that is created from letting that feeling go, but I can tell you this.  As you let go of the negative, you make room for the positive.  We make room for healthy, clean, beautiful truth to grow and sprout in our hearts and minds.

Let me just share with you probably one of the hardest experiences I had with this tool.  I realized that I needed to write about my relationship with food.  My topic sentence was, "I feel so much despair because of my hate/love relationship with food."  Isn't that how we feel?  At times, I seriously wished that I didn't have to eat.  I hated the huge battle that raged in my mind over such a stupid thing as whether or not I should have that piece of chocolate.  So yes I hated food.  I also loved food because it was my comfort, my coping mechanism, my crutch to deal with life.  But I knew that that kind of relationship with food wasn't healthy because of my last 22 year experience with it and I knew that I had to let it go.  So I wrote.  I wrote and wrote.  I think I ended up with 4 or 5 pages.  And yes I cried as I wrote.  It was difficult and painful.  Then I got to the point of burning the paper.  I couldn't burn it.  I cried so hard and prayed so hard.  I was so scared to let go of this behavior that had helped me deal with life for 22 years.  It had been my friend, my confidant, when no one else was there.  What was I going to do without it?  What was going to help me cope?  And that was the point where I realized I had grown up.  I was no longer 15.  I no longer needed that coping mechanism.  So I thanked my eating disorder.  I thanked it for being there for me, for helping me survive and get through the pain I had experienced in my life when I felt I had no other way to cope.  I hugged and cradled myself realizing I did the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time.  And then I said goodbye.  I recognized that I now knew better.  I already had a new way to cope.  These new tools that I was using were going to enable me to cope in a better, healthier way that wouldn't make me feel depressed and more miserable afterwards like the eating disorder did.  Instead I would feel lighter, happier, more at peace and more fulfilled.  I realized that by using these tools, I was giving my mind, body, and spirit what they really needed.  They needed me to let go.  So I did.

Favorite Quote #11:

I've learned that no matter what happens or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.  You gain strength, courage & confidence from every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

I faced my fear and burned that paper . . . and then I cried some more.  My relationship with food has not been the same since.  I no longer have an attachment to food.  Food is just food to me now.  It is just the fuel my body needs for energy to function.  Now of course, I still love chocolate.  However, I can stop at one piece now.  Because food is no longer good or bad to me, I can enjoy one piece of chocolate and not feel totally guilty about it which in the past would cause me to eat more.  Food is just food.  This change in my relationship with food began when I used the write and burn to let go.  It can be the same way for you!

Do you remember my lovely stick figure diagrams with the negative levels getting higher and higher?  Here it is again.  Pay attention to the lovely stick figure's arms.

Can you just see the burden of the world bearing down on this person?  Being filled with so much negative is a huge weight to carry.  These next diagrams will show what happens when you use Tool 1 & 2 and any other tool you already have or will have in your tool belt to deal with the negative.  The green arrows represent tools or outlets you use to let go of the negative.  Once again, pay attention to the arms.

The more you use your tools to release the negative, the more you allow that negative level to decrease and the positive level to increase.  How do you think you will feel if you are filled with positive instead of negative?  The last picture shows it.  You will feel on top of the world, arms raised high because you feel so much joy, peace and freedom.  That heavy burden of negativity has been removed.  And the bonus of being filled with positive is that when the negative comes at you, it will bounce right off.  Notice the white arrows in the last diagram.  Just as it is hard to accept the positive when you are overflowing with negative, the opposite happens in the same way.  It is harder for negative to come in when you are overflowing with positive.  You are more able to see the negative come at you and then dismiss it or quickly let it go if it does get in.  Such an incredibly freeing process!

I know it is scary to face all our stuff.  I've been doing it for over a year now so I know how hard it can be.  Please have faith that what you are doing for yourself is going to bring you the peace, joy, and contentment in life that you have been wishing and praying for.

Favorite Quote #12, #13, #14:

Sorrow looks back.  Worry looks around.  Faith looks ahead.

Let your faith be bigger than your fear.

When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, faith is knowing one of two things will happen . . . there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.

So are you ready to fly?  If you will have faith in these tools, if you will trust in me and the experience I have had with these tools, I can promise you the healing, cleansing, renewing, freeing and beautifying of your soul that you have been yearning for.  I know you can do this!  Please send me any comments or questions that you may have.  I just want to help you in your journey.  Have faith and remember . . . with God, all things are possible!

Favorite Quote #15:

Faith is not knowing what the future holds but knowing who holds the future.

be.YOU.tiful!!!

Letting Go

I think its a beautiful thing that because of the comments I have received from you, I have been inspired to write this post.  Its just more evidence of how much we need each other in this life to grow and progress.  Thank you so much for your comments!  You are blessing us all when you use your voice!

Now be prepared because this is a long post.  This is some of the most important information to understand in order to overcome eating disorders, depression, or any addiction or negative behavior.  I hope it will help you as much as it has helped me.

The concept is letting go.  It truly is one of the hardest concepts to understand and actually do, but its the most important thing we need to do if we want to progress and move forward in our lives.  This illustration shows what I mean.

So this represents each one of us.  Imagine this trailer is full of things we are holding onto, the things we have attachments to.  How quickly are we moving forward with all of this baggage we are trying to tug along with us?  Not very fast right?  Not much forward momentum going on.  What do you think would happen if this person started cutting some of those strings?

Yes!  She would start progressing and moving forward.  If all those strings were clipped, this person would sprint forward because there would be nothing holding her back.  When we hold onto experiences or feelings, we slow ourselves down from progressing.  We stunt our growth.  We place ourselves in bondage to our attachments, preventing ourselves from experiencing freedom and joy.

Favorite Quote #5:

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Why do we hold on so tightly to the past when it keeps us from enjoying our present and building a magnificent future?  Choose to clip the strings!  We are the only one that carries the scissors and that holds the power to cut our strings and let it all go.  As we do that, we free ourselves to move forward with greater speed and power, enjoying the journey and sprinting into a future full of joy, contentment, peace and fulfillment.

I believe eating disorders, or any addiction for that matter, are our way of not facing up to the negative feelings we have which are usually generated by experiences we have had in the past.  We swallow down our pain, despair, shame, regret, embarrassment, etc. with food.  I truly did not know how else to deal with my pain and shame back at the age of 15.  Food became my coping mechanism, my comfort.  I would use food to go unconscious because being conscious in that moment was more than I could take.

Addiction acts as an escape from the hard realities of life.  However, we deceive ourselves by thinking that is what really happens.  We all know that addictions and disorders are painful, causing more damage than good, causing more pain than even the initial pain of life that drove us to the addiction.  Whether you have experienced it yourself or you have seen a loved one or friend deal with addiction, we all want to be rid of them.  The reason why they are so painful and counter-productive is because we are doing something to our bodies that is in exact opposition to what our bodies are designed to do.  Imagine you're swimming.  You take a big breath and go under water, trying to stay under water for as long as you can.  What inevitably will happen?  You'll jump out of the water gasping for air!  Now why does that happen?  Well, our subconscious mind's sole purpose is to keep us safe.  The human brain has a built-in default function that no matter what we do, it will do whatever it takes to help us survive.  So let's relate this back to an eating disorder.  I will use binge eating as an example.  When I go into my private space to binge, I use food to shove all those negative feelings down, down, down under water.  I don't want to see them or face them in that moment so I push them down, but that doesn't mean that they are gone.  Just because I don't see them doesn't mean they are not still there lurking under the water.  They are still alive and kicking and inevitably they are going to rise up gasping for air.  As we shove our negative feelings into our subconscious mind, it knows that they shouldn't be there.  Those feelings are hurting us so in its effort to keep us safe, our subconscious mind tries to purge those feelings.  It shoves them back into our conscious mind as a way of saying, "This negative feeling is not allowing you to feel safe.  Get rid of it!!  Let it go so you can feel safe again!"  And it will continue to do that with our negative feelings every time we shove them down.  I have a favorite book entitled Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol K. Truman.  That title perfectly describes what happens when we try to suppress our negative feelings instead of facing them.  We continue to eat in order to not have to deal with the painful, shameful feelings, but those feelings are still there and they will never die until we face them and let them go.

Favorite Quote #6:

You'll never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need won't satisfy.

Our addictive behaviors are addictive because they are not what we need.  What we need is to let go.

This is kind of a sad analogy, but think of someone getting pushed under water again and again.  They come up for air only for a brief second before someone pushes them back down again.  Each time they come up for air they are gasping more intensely because they didn't get enough air the last time.  Finally, their subconscious mind kicks in and that person starts fighting off the other person because they need air to survive so desperately.  Ladies and gents, we are the ones doing this to ourselves.  We are the ones shoving our negative feelings down every time they rise back up again.  The more times we shove them down, the more intense that feeling comes up the next time to a point where we blow up because our subconscious mind is saying "I have got to let this feeling out because it is killing me!!"  I am not proud to say that this has happened to me, but it has.  There have been several times in my past where I have literally lost it, completely blown up because I could not take feeling like I was unloved and unaccepted anymore.  Now remember that no matter what anyone else says or does, our beliefs about ourselves, whether based in truth or not, determine our perception of the world. Because of my belief that "I'm not loved and accepted",  I would get to a point that if anyone said or did anything to me that I interpreted as "I'm not loved or accepted," I would lose it.  I would freak out and blow up.  It wasn't pretty.  Let me explain this to you with some diagrams.

In a previous post, I mentioned that everyday we have negative influences coming at us-negative experiences, negative people, negative thoughts, and negative feelings.  When we are balanced we have fairly equal levels of positive and negative within us.  The line at the belly button shows our positive and negative levels being fairly balanced.  Someone that had these levels of positive and negative within them would probably say life was "fine" or "okay".  Life wouldn't be terrible, but it wouldn't be amazing either.  But that's not necessarily ideal.  I promise you life can be way better than just okay or fine.  So now look at the following slides and watch what happens to the positive and negative levels as this person continues to let the negative come in.  Look particularly at the arms.

Our body language and the things we say can be very descriptive of where our negative level is at.  As more negative comes in and we suppress it and push it down, our negative level starts to rise.  Soon our negative level is at shoulder height and we may say "I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders!" or "Life feels so heavy!" Physically we may even point to our shoulders as we say this or we may feel tightness, soreness, or pain in our neck and shoulders.  I actually experienced this.  At one point in time I got what they call a "frozen shoulder".  I couldn't lift my arm very high because my shoulder just hurt and I couldn't remember anything I had done to hurt it.  I recognized after some time that it was negative emotional energy that had gotten trapped in my shoulder and when I released the negative emotions, the pain in my shoulder went away.  The same thing happened with my lower back.  I'll talk about this mind/body connection more in a bit.  Back to the diagram.  Notice at this point that the arms drop a little more.  At this point we may physically hunch over because of the negative emotional and mental burden we are carrying.

Next our negative level is up to our eyeballs and we're saying, "I'm losing my mind!  I can't even see straight!"  We may point to our temples on our forehead, have headaches, or our eyes might feel heavy and we might feel tired a lot.

Soon enough our negative level is over our heads and we're saying, "I can't take it anymore!  I've had enough!  I'm drowning!  I'm completely overwhelmed!"  And at this point, there are several things that can happen.

I'd like to explain this first thing through the use of an analogy to a dam.

What usually is at the base of a dam so that the dam doesn't rupture and burst?  An outlet right?  You can see the outlet for this dam in the bottom right of the picture.  A dam needs that outlet to constantly let some of the water flow out so that the water pressure behind the dam doesn't become so great that it ruptures.  Have you seen the movie Evan Almighty?  I seriously love that show!  Remember the dam in the movie?  It had no outlet, no hole to continually let some water out.  A whole city had been built beneath the dam.  Well what eventually happens?  That dam explodes!  The water pressure got too intense because there was no outlet so the dam could no longer contain the water.  And what happens to the city beneath it?  It is destroyed.  Thank heavens good old Evan Baxter (or should I say a modern day Noah) built that ark.  When I have ruptured, when I have blown up, my family has suffered.  The city I have built around me, my family, is what suffers the most when I reach that unbearable negative level where I lose it.  I know that's a hard thing to realize and accept, but isn't it true?  We need to let it all go.  We need an outlet.  We need to do our work every day to ensure that our negative levels don't reach a breaking point.  It's the only way.

I'm a firm believer that everything is energy.  Even our thoughts and feelings have energy.  Positive thoughts and feelings generate positive energy.  Negative thoughts and feelings generate negative energy.  And that's why our suppressed negative feelings come bursting out of us in anger and frustration.  Its all negative energy.  An incredible experiment was done by Masaru Emoto.  He called it the water crystal experiment.  He took bottles of distilled, pure water and taped a word on each of them, showed pictures to them, spoke to them, prayed to them, or played music to them.  He then froze that water and took microscopic pictures of the frozen water crystals.  The results were unbelievable!  Here are some pictures.

Amazing right?  Now let's think about this.  Our world is 70% water.  We are 70% water.  What do you think we are doing to our bodies when we push down all those negative feelings let alone say negative things to ourselves?  We are poisoning our bodies.  We are generating negative energy that is hurting us mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  This is another thing that happens to us when we are filled with negative energy.  Why do you think so many of us are overweight and sick with all kinds of diseases, ailments, and illnesses?  Now I know there are physical reasons for our physical problems too, but we cannot dismiss the truth that our body and spirit are connected.  The body and the spirit together create the soul.  They were meant to be united and as one.  We are the ones that end up separating them and when we do, we reap the consequences.  It is scientific knowledge that when our bodies are more acidic, disease and sickness have a much greater chance of thriving and growing.  When our bodies are more alkaline, disease and sickness can't exist.  I truly believe that the acid that is created in our bodies not only comes from the food and drink we put into our bodies, but also from the negative thoughts and feelings we entertain, suppress, and believe in our minds.  They are negative energies which absolutely affect our bodily functions and health just as the water crystal experiment proved.  The negative energy behind the words presented to the water actually changed its physical and chemical makeup for the worse.  As I said before, our subconscious mind has got to purge those negative feelings somehow.  Not only does that negative energy release as negative emotion, but it can also be manifested as sickness, illness, disease and weight gain.  If we don't let the negative feelings go, then our mind will find another way of letting them go because they are unsafe.  We cannot overlook the fact that if we are hurting ourselves mentally and emotionally then we are also hurting ourselves physically.  

I love analogies.  I am sorry if they get too much for you, but for me I can understand concepts so much better through analogies.  I suppose that is why Christ taught in parables right?  So we could better understand the principle.  I find it interesting that my analogies today are all about water.  Hmmm.  I think water has many lessons we can learn from it.  So here's the third thing that can happen to us when we are drowning in the negative.  This analogy is of the Dead Sea.  Last year at this time, I had the amazing opportunity to go to Jerusalem, Jordan, and the United Arab Emirates with my husband and my parents.  We visited the Dead Sea.  Here's a picture of it.

    

Beautiful right?  The water is so blue and calm.  We are boaters so as we looked out on the water we wondered, "Why are there no ski boats out there?"  Well, I think you know enough about the Dead Sea to know why.  Here's a close up of the shore.  

As you can see, no living thing can survive in these salty waters.  Let me give you just a few statistics.  The Dead Sea's shores are the lowest elevation on the entire earth at 1388 ft below sea level.  We were popping our ears as we drove down to it!  It is also the deepest hypersaline lake in the world at 1237 ft deep.  It is one of the world's saltiest bodies of water and is 8.6 times saltier than the ocean.  I have "swam" in the Dead Sea when I did study abroad back in '94.  You really don't swim.  You just float because the salt is so dense.  So my question to you is why is the Dead Sea dead?  I've asked a lot of people this question and most are stumped.  I'll tell you why.  There is no outlet.  The Jordan River flows into it, but there is no river flowing out of it.  So all the minerals that come in can't go anywhere.  They sit stagnant and as they sit, they grow more acidic and toxic.  Do you see where I am going with this?  As our negative feelings sit, deeply buried inside of us, they continue to grow more toxic and acidic to a point where we become dead inside-apathetic, depressed, and hopeless.  I find it very ironic that the "Dead" Sea is at the lowest elevation in the world and is the deepest hypersaline lake in the world.  When we get to these points of apathy, depression, and hopelessness, wouldn't you say those are some of our deepest, darkest, lowest times?  None of us want to be there.  This unfortunately is the point where some consider suicide.  They see no other way.  Death is their only outlet.  How tragic!  There is another way!  There is a healthier outlet that will set us free.  It's called letting go. 

Many eating/diet programs want us to believe that our eating issues are all about the food.  I stand as a witness to you today that food is not the problem.  Our problem is the beliefs, thoughts, and feelings that we entertain in our mind.  Why do you think so many people go on diets only to gain the weight back again or gain the weight back plus more?  Its because they haven't changed the beliefs, thoughts, and feelings they harbor in their minds.  If you want to change the outside permanently, you've got to change the inside first.

Because this post is getting so long, I will describe the tool for letting go of our negative feelings in my next post.  I want to end this post with an experience that I have had just this week with letting go.  Yes, I am still letting go.  I don't think we can ever stop.  We always have to be aware, ready and willing to face the negative feelings that surface and let them go or they will start building up again until we blow or we become apathetic and depressed.  I still talk with my mentor on a weekly basis and on Monday morning he walked me through a visualization in order to help me finally break down my wall of fear about not being accepted.  Some negative beliefs and feelings will take longer to let go of than others.  Feeling unaccepted has been that way for me because it was at the core of my negative beliefs and behaviors.  The visualization was incredible and by the end of it I felt a huge shift.  I felt empowered and the fear had completely disappeared.  So what did I do?  That afternoon I launched this blog.  I had been fearful to launch it because I was afraid of being unaccepted.  Satan also knew what good this blog could do so I know he was trying to shut me down.  I was keeping myself from reaching my potential and really sprinting forward by believing Satan's lies and holding onto my fear of not being accepted.  A day and a half after launching my blog, I had had 700 hits.  Now I don't even know if that is good or not in comparison to other blogs, but I wasn't comparing.  To me that was a big deal and in my mind it happened because I let go.  When we let go, we allow ourselves to sprint forward with purpose and passion making an impact on the world.

Favorite Quote #7:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most....  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us.  And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson, American author and lecturer

We are powerful, divine beings and we are all meant to impact and change the world in our own way!  So as we let go, we let our light shine.  As we shine, we give others the courage to do the same!  I believe that is exactly what has happened to me with this blog.  I don't mean to boast.  I mean to glorify my God for making it happen! 

Favorite Scripture #1:

But Ammon said unto him: I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

The Book of Mormon, Alma 26: 11-12

That is exactly how I feel and that is how I want all of you to feel as well.  Awareness and letting go are our keys to wholeness and our ability to shine for the whole world to see!

Now here's another cool thing that happened.  On Sunday morning I weighed myself.  I don't weigh myself all that often.  In fact, I highly recommend that you don't.  While I still had my eating disorder mentality, I used to weigh myself all the time and if I didn't weigh less it would completely ruin my day.  So stop weighing yourself.  We are stopping the focus on our bodies and putting it on healing our spirits.  Now that I am more mentally healthy, weighing myself doesn't change my mood much anymore because I have let go of any attachment to what I weigh.  I weighed myself again this morning because I was feeling a little different.  I was down 5 lbs.  In 4 days, I had lost 5 lbs.  Now I hadn't changed anything in terms of my diet.  I'm still eating free of my food allergies and mostly staying away from dairy and gluten, but I have been eating like that for awhile.  So what made my weight drop so significantly?  I let go!  On Monday my mentor did the visualization with me that I just talked about.  I let go of the biggest block to my progression.  And as I let go of the mental and emotional weight of that negative belief and feeling, I let go of weight on my body.  Its true everyone!  All of this is true!  As we let go mentally, we give our bodies permission to let go physically.  It works and its TRUTH!

I hope I have said enough to convince you that we have to let go.  Stay tuned for my next post in which I will tell you HOW!  Because isn't that the question we are all asking?  How on earth do I let go?  I will tell you!!!  You're doing great!  The fact that you are reading these posts is a huge step in the right direction.  You are becoming more aware.  You are gaining more knowledge.  And knowledge is POWER!

be.YOU.tiful!!