Our Children

So I feel a huge need to talk about our sweet children.  However, I also had some fear creep up that I shouldn't make this post.  I'm taking that fear as Satan trying to stop me from saying what I'm about to say, so I'm going to have faith and say it.  I'm not going to sugar coat.  I'm going to be straight forward because I believe there are things we need to be aware of as parents to this amazing generation of  children.  I have no desire to offend you or make you feel guilty.  Remember I was in a not-so-good place a short time ago.  I really wish someone would have said this stuff to me a long time ago so I could have been more aware and maybe have even changed some things.  So please know I am saying this with love and with a sincere desire to help us and our families be happier and healthier.

As parents, we desire more than anything to protect our children from the evils and heartaches of the world.  It pains us when we see our children display behaviors or beliefs that hurt them and destroy their peace and happiness.  So what can we do?  We've talked a lot about how we can change our relationships in the previous two posts.  But I also feel there are two other really important things we need to do for our children in order for them to be ok in this crazy world we live in.  The first is that we need to be open, honest, and real with them about what is going on in their lives, in the world and also about how Satan is trying to attack them and drag them down into sorrow, misery, and despair.  The second is that we have to be their parents.  We need to teach them and also allow them to learn early through their own experience that every choice comes with a consequence.  As parents we also need to set boundaries about what we will allow in our homes and what we won't.  Kids thrive when there are boundaries.  Boundaries make them feel safe and secure.

I recently went to some classes about the challenges of our day and what our children are facing growing up in this world.  One of the classes was on substance abuse in my hometown taught by a local police officer.  Someone asked him what was the #1 reason why these teenagers turned to drugs.  He responded, "Pressure."  He said when he asked that question to the kids that had gotten busted, they responded that life was just too much and they needed a way out, an escape.  Isn't that the reason we also go to food or other addictions?  We want to go unconscious so we don't have to deal with the realities of life.  The pressures and stresses of life begin when we are young.  They come from many different sources-the world, grades, sports, music, drama, parents, friends, etc.  Our teens have so much going on in their lives and so many activities demanding their time and attention.  We need to recognize this as parents.  Can we help to simplify their lives in any way?  Are we the source of any of that pressure?  Are we pushing them too much to do too much?

Another question that was asked was how do we as parents help prevent our kids from turning to drugs or alcohol or food.  His answer was, "Be open with them.  Know what is going on in their lives.  Talk with them not at them.  Be there for them."  Teenagers are hard.  Many of them give us the impression that they don't want to be talked to or bothered by us.  However, they are actually screaming inside for our love and attention and someone to talk to.  I shared an experience in my last post about how I went down to my daughters room and just let her talk.  It was amazing!  I didn't try to tell her what to do or correct her in any way.  I just let her talk and that was incredibly healing for our relationship and for both of us individually.  She was much happier the next day because she felt loved and had been given the chance to just talk about life.  I was much happier because I had been the kind of parent that I wanted to be down deep inside.  I know we think that as their parents we need to be telling them how to live their lives.  But if we force our opinions on our kids too much, if we lecture them too much, they will tune us out and nothing we say will get through to them.  They could even get to the point of rebellion from us because through our constant lectures and advice, we put too much pressure on them to be different than what they are.  And to be honest, that is where the belief that they are not good enough can take root.  Allowing our kids to figure out solutions to their problems themselves goes a lot farther than us telling them how to solve all their problems.  They will figure it out.  They want to be happy too.  And in addition they will gain self-confidence and strength as they realize they can figure out their own problems.  So lets try to just be there more for our kids.  There's nothing wrong with teaching them, but let's talk with them not at them.  Let's realize that even though their struggles and issues may seem lame and overly dramatic, they are real for them.  You remember how it was being a teenager!  Many of us don't want to remember because it was just plain tough!  ;)  Everything is a very big deal in the mind of a teenager!  So let's be there for them, respect them and even help them let go of some of the pressures in their lives.

Now there is the other side of this.  Sometimes we think that loving our kids means we let them do what they want and we protect them from anything hard.  Or we want so desperately for them to like us that we decide its more important to be their friends.  We are not their friends!  We are their parents!  This was also brought up by the police officer in the substance abuse class.  He said that parents of today, not all but some, are not letting their kids feel the consequences of their actions.  Instead these parents protect their kids from consequences because they don't want their kids to feel pain or they don't want their kids to be upset with them.  Then those kids end up learning the really hard way when the consequences of their actions are severe.  Someone once said to me, "Parents of today are giving their kids too much rope and then those kids are taking that rope and hanging themselves with it."  Its a tough reality, but its true.  We need to give our kids the opportunity at a young age to make choices and then be ready and willing to enforce consequences for those choices.   I know we just love our kids.  I know that we want to protect them from the evils of the world.  I do too.  But loving our children means we teach them about the real world in order to give them the best possible chance of having a happy, purposeful life.  They need to learn and fully understand that every choice comes with a consequence.  Wouldn't it be better to teach our kids this when they are young with the consequence of going to their room instead of when they are older with the consequence of going to jail?

Favorite Quote #19:

We are free to choose our paths, but we can't choose the consequences that come with them.

Sean Covey,  The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

For a long time, I just wanted my kids to like me so I would often give into their wishes.  I would buy them things when they would ask for them at the store.  I wouldn't give them the consequences they needed in order to learn from their actions.  And it was all because I needed so desperately to be accepted by them.  I needed them to like me so bad (because I didn't like me-I was very external) that I did whatever they wanted.  I now realize what a great disservice I did to my kids.  I have seen some of the negative results that have come from raising my kids that way and I am trying to rectify them.  There is some entitlement and pride in their thinking. There is some disrespect where they think mom is just their slave and that I should do whatever they want me to do when they want me to do it.  Now I am not going to beat myself up over this so I don't want you to either.  I did the best I could with the knowledge and the abilities I had at the time.  Now I am different so I have the power and the ability to change the way I parent.  Because I have gained self-confidence and self-love over the last year, I have put my foot down more.  I haven't allowed them to walk all over me.  I have set my boundaries.  It has worked with some, but one in particular is still struggling with this "new mom".  So if you have struggled like this, please don't think you're too late to do anything about it.  We are never too late to change the way we parent because we will always be their parents.

So let's work on our emotional state.  Let's let go of the negative feelings and trap the negative thoughts.    If we let go of our own stuff, then our own agenda is taken out of our parenting and we can parent the way we truly desire.  Let's make an effort to talk with our kids more and be there for them more.  Let's remove any unneeded pressures from their lives.  Let's also have a long-term perspective of what we want for our children.  Let's change the way we think.  Instead let's say, "Oh my daughter messed up!  Yeah!  Now she gets to learn a wonderful life lesson!"  I know this is the way God thinks.  As hard as it is for Him to see us suffering, He knows that, if we choose to, we can learn an extremely valuable lesson from our pain that will enable us to become more like Him.  So He let's us feel the consequence of our actions because more than anything He wants us to go through our refiner's fire so that we can return to Him one day.  The scriptures are the greatest resource we have on how to be a Christlike parent.  Let's read them and think about how our Father in Heaven parents us in order to know how to be better parents.  There is also an amazing talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks entitled Love and Law which is all about how God parents us and how we need to parent our children.  Here is the link to it - Elder Oaks - Love and Law.  Another great resource for this type of parenting is Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster W. Cline.  If you want a step by step approach on how to parent in the way I have described, this book has some great ideas.

Hang in there and keep pressing forward!  I don't mean to overwhelm you or frustrate you with all of this information.  All we can do is take one step at time.  Don't feel guilty if you're not able to act on all of this information right away.  However, as you become more aware of these different issues in your life, you gain the power to change them.  So pat yourself on the back that you are becoming more aware.  Then, as you feel you are able and ready, start implementing something new in your life.  My change took place over a year.  It was very gradual, slow and steady.  I believe that is the reason it has stuck with me.  Often if we go too fast trying to change something or are not patient with ourselves, that change doesn't stick because we become too frustrated that we're not changing quicker.  So don't set any high expectations for yourself.  Do the best you can in the moment.  Just be in the moment.  This very moment is the only thing that matters because its the only thing you truly have.

Favorite Quote #20:

Take out the trash.  The trash is anything that's keeping you from the only thing that matters.  This moment, here, now.  And when you truly are in the here and now you'll be amazed at what you can do and how well you can do it.

Peaceful Warrior

be.YOU.tiful!!!