Asking Why

I had an incredible chat last week with a beautiful, wonderful lady.  I have been mentoring her for awhile and last week she had a huge "A-ha!" moment.  She mentioned that she couldn't stop the obsession she had to be skinny.  It was in her every thought whether it was about how much she weighed or what to eat or what not to eat or berating herself for what she did eat because all those things equated to whether or not she was skinny enough.  So I asked her the question, "Why do you need to be skinny?"  She responded that if she wasn't, then she wasn't good enough.  I then asked her "What happens when you're not good enough?"  She said, "Then there's no point of existing."  So basically, her belief was that if she wasn't skinny, then there was no point in living.  Can you see how that core belief would govern her whole existence?  No wonder that was all she thought about!  No wonder she was obsessed with being skinny!  Because if she wasn't skinny, then she would feel like an absolute failure not just at being skinny, but at living.

Favorite Quote #59:

We don't see things as they are.  We see things as we are.

Our beliefs determine our reality.  Our perception of ourselves determines our perception of the world.   Recognizing this core belief was a huge awakening for my friend.  She had no idea that her desire to be skinny ran that deep.  But now because she knows, she has gained the power to do something about it.    She was also able to see how her negative belief about herself only brought her negative results.  This belief had only caused her misery and pain.  Why?  Because it was not based in truth!  By asking why, she was able to identify this core belief.  Because she identified it as untrue, she now has the power to replace it with truth.

So do you see what we discovered by asking the question why?  Do you see how we figured out a core untruth that she had been believing for so long when we dug a little deeper?  I think there are many of you out there who have used the write and burn or the little black book, but those negative feelings and thoughts you write about keep resurfacing which then makes you frustrated and makes you think they aren't working, so you stop using the tools.  Let me explain why this happens with another analogy.  Picture one of the old-fashioned index drawers that we used to access at the library to find a book.  Yes these are antiques now.  Here's a picture of one.

Each drawer represents an emotion we have experienced.  Then each one of those cards in the drawer represents an experience that we have had with that emotion.  Obviously we want our drawer labeled "Happiness" to have lots of cards in it.  When we feel happiness, don't we have a rush of good feelings and memories come to our heart and mind?  That's because when we feel an emotion, we are opening that drawer and allowing all of those other experiences to resurface as well.  The more cards that are in that drawer, the more powerful the emotion feels.  Unfortunately, the same thing happens with negative emotion which is why we want to shove down and bury those negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs because sometimes it is just too hard to be reminded of the painful, negative experiences of the past.  But like I have said before, we will never be rid of the effects of a painful past experience until we face it and let it go.  When we do the write and burn or use the little black book, we are pulling out a card from that file drawer.  However, there are still several cards left in that drawer.  And that is why that emotion continues to resurface.  We haven't completely cleaned out the file drawer yet.  Clearing out all the cards in that drawer requires that we face and deal with each experience with that emotion.  This can be a very daunting task if you have a deeply filled file drawer.  But there is another way.  It is by asking the question "Why?" when the emotion is up or when you are ready to just deal with it and let it go.  When you feel anger, do your write and burn, but don't just write about why you're feeling anger in that moment.  Ask the questions "Why?", "How come?", "What for?", or "What happens if?".  Dig deeper.  Write whatever comes to your mind from experiences in the past. Your goal is to find that very first card that was ever put in that file drawer.  If you can identify that very first card, then you find where that emotion originated.  You find the core belief.  By ripping out that first card, you wipe out all the rest.

I also like to compare this concept to a forest of trees.  

Each tree represents an emotion.  Depending on how much time has gone by and how many experiences you have had with that emotion determines how tall, thick and deeply rooted that tree has become.  Now we can spend lots of time and energy chopping down that tree from the top to the bottom making it shorter and shorter, or we can rip that tree out by the root and take the whole tree down in one shot.  It is not easy to go right to the root of the emotion.  It requires us to dig deep and work hard through sweat and tears in order to yank it out.  But we can do it if we choose to!  Isn't a moment of pain and hard work worth dealing with instead of a lifetime of self-sabotage and heartache because we have let that emotion gain power over us?  If you want to free yourself from the bondage you are in to an emotion or a negative belief about yourself, dig deeper and yank it out at the root.

I just got off of another phone call with my sweet friend that I am mentoring.  Its been a week since our last visit when she had her huge aha moment.  Wow!  In tears, her first comment to me was, "Rachelle, I've turned a corner."  She had an amazing, life-changing week!  She noticed things were different when she looked in the mirror at herself.  She would say to herself that she was a beautiful daughter of God instead of telling herself that she was ugly and fat.  She noticed things had shifted when she had no desire to binge eat but rather just ate till she was satisfied.  Another time when she did eat something that she didn't necessarily think she should have eaten, she didn't beat herself up about it but just accepted it and moved on.  I could go on with other experiences she had this week that signified her shift.  And the shift didn't just happen in her thoughts.  It was also clearly evident in her physical behaviors.  Remember the thought cycle?  Without any force or conscious effort, her actions and behaviors were changing because she had changed the way she thought about herself.  She had ripped out a core negative, untrue belief about herself therefore she made room for the positive - the truth of who she really was - and her whole life is changing because of it.  How exciting!!  How happy she was and excited she was for this next week!  She was so fired up to yank out the roots of the other negative emotions and beliefs that she has, even if its hard, because she has felt and seen the incredible positive results that come from doing it!

Repeat of Favorite Quote #2:

Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.

It's the truth my friends and it works!  You can choose to let go experience by experience, but you may not see the life changing results that you would like to see right away.  It will take time.  You're still doing a good thing, but it will take awhile.  If you're willing to do some digging and wipe out that emotion or belief at its root, then the positive results you will get will be instantaneous, huge and powerful!  Just like my friend experienced this week.  If you are ready and willing to do the hard work and push through the sweat and tears, then this will work for you too.  Why let anymore time go by where that emotion or negative belief has power to affect your actions and results in life?  Choose your own happiness!  Wipe out that file drawer!  Dig out the root!  Create the peace and joy for yourself that you so desperately want!  Its there waiting for you to reach out and grab it!! 

You can do this!  You're amazing, powerful, brilliant, and beautiful!  So go . . .

be.YOU.tiful!!