The Other Lie of "I'm Better Than"

So we took a nice family vacation over spring break which is why it's taken me so long to get another post up.  Sorry about that!  I enjoyed the break, but I still have so much I want to share with you on this blog so I'm not done yet.  Let me prelude this post by saying once again that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I am a Christian and Jesus Christ is at the core and foundation of all that I believe.  I will be quoting more scriptures in this post than I have in the past so for those of you who are not members of the LDS church, please don't be offended.  Read on.  I hope you can see that even if you are not members of this faith, the concepts and principles I am sharing are truth.  Truth can be found everywhere, but inevitably all truth comes from God.  So read the scriptures I quote with a desire to understand truth and I promise you will find truth and you will find help in overcoming whatever it is you struggle with.

In this post, I want to talk about the the other end of the pride stick - the lie of "I'm better than".  Most of us don't want to admit that we have this thought.  I'm sad to admit that it is a thought and belief I have had to deal with.  I've always had a strong desire to not be prideful and to not let the belief of "I'm better than" affect how I think about and treat others, but it has still been there.  Unfortunately, whether we want to admit it or not, we all deal with this belief.  And if we don't become aware of it in our minds and remain in denial that it is there, then it will become the belief with which we subconsciously judge and treat others.  So please don't just skip reading this post because you think this is not something you deal with.  We all deal with this thought.  This lie and the lie of "I'm not good enough" that I talked about in my last post are the two thoughts Satan gets us to ping-pong back and forth between in order to keep us completely confused about who we truly are.

Let me illustrate this for you again with my pride stick diagram.

Both of these extremes lead to unhappiness and misery because they are not based in truth.  These two beliefs are Satan's lies.  If he can get us distracted and focused on one of these beliefs or ping-ponging back and forth between them, then he has got us.  I had a friend describe this as the Pit/Pedestal Dilemma.  When we are in the pit, we look up at others and think we are less than them or that we are not good enough to be where they are.  When we are on the pedestal, we look down at others and think we are better than them.  Its all based on comparison.  When we compare ourselves as either better than or less than others, we have stepped into Satan's trap.  This life is a challenge, not a competition.  We are all here to learn the same thing even though we may learn it in different ways and at different times. We are not less than or better than anyone.  We are all different, but equal.

I find it amazing and totally non-coincidental that I waited until now to write this post because on my trip this past week I had an experience with both of these untrue beliefs.  Yes, I am not immune even though I have been working on this stuff for over a year.  We will continually need to stay aware of what is going on in our minds because as soon as we don't that is when Satan sneaks in and snags us with his invisible chords and drags us slowly down that negative spiral.

Favorite Scripture #5 and #6:

Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye must watch and pray always, lest ye be tempted by the devil, and ye be led away captive by him.
Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you, ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat.

Book of Mormon, 3 Nephi 18:15, 18

But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts . . . ye must perish.  And now, O man, remember, and perish not.

Book of Mormon, Mosiah 4:30

Notice the word always.  We always need to be watching and praying.  We have to stay aware or else Satan will ensnare us.  This past week Satan caught me.  I became unhappy because I allowed myself to become unaware of what I was thinking.  Let me tell you what happened.  I was super excited for this family trip to Hawaii.  For the first time in many years, I was finally feeling confident and good about myself.  I had lost 30 lbs and even more important to me than that, I had let go of a lot of the negative beliefs in my mind so I felt happy and good on the inside about me.  I can't remember the last beach and sun vacation we took that I actually felt comfortable walking around in my own skin.  I have always been ashamed of my body and embarrassed to be in a swimsuit.  And because I felt that way about myself, I typically was an unhappy person on our beach trips.  So you can imagine how excited I was that I could go on this trip to Hawaii with my family and feel happy and good about myself.  Well, we get there and for the first couple days, I was unaware that I was looking around comparing myself to other women and thinking, "I look so good!  People are looking at me thinking how cute I am!  I even look better than her and her!"  I am obviously not happy to admit that is what went through my head!  I didn't even realize that was what I was thinking until a couple days into the trip when my husband asked, "What is wrong?  You seem upset and you aren't happy with me?  Did I do something?"  And then I realized what was going on.  I had allowed myself to be influenced by Satan's negative thoughts.  Because I had been unaware, I was deceived and didn't notice that Satan had gotten me to slip from confidence to pride by planting some little negative thoughts in my head.  I attached to those thoughts so they became what I believed was true about me.  Now remember, "wickedness never was happiness."  Feeling better than someone else does not make us happy!!  Looking better than someone else will not make us happy!!  These are untruths and false sources of identity and worth, thus believing them will only make us feel miserable!  Because I had let my ego and pride overtake my quiet confidence, I had become miserable.  Remember the thought cycle?  Because of the negative thoughts I attached to, I felt miserable which then lead me to treat my husband miserably which then resulted in me pushing him away.  Anytime we get out of balance and feel either less than or better than others, it directly affects our relationships.  We push people away because we are not connected and content with who we really are.  I also wasn't caring about what I ate because my belief of "I'm better than" led me to think I could eat whatever I wanted.  So I started eating stuff that I knew I was allergic to and that didn't make me feel good.  Now there is nothing wrong with enjoying food on a vacation, but I wasn't eating the food to enjoy it.  I was eating the food to escape the negative thoughts and feelings I was having.  Then because I wasn't eating well, I started to not feel good about myself.  And where do you think my thoughts went then?  "Oh I am so fat.  I feel terrible and now I'm bloated and my gut is pooching out.  I look terrible.  Look at her.  She looks so much better than me."  Literally!  Can you see how I ping-ponged?  Can you see how I let Satan get me to believe one extreme and then the other, keeping me totally distracted from the truth of who I really was . . . that I was not my body!  I am my spirit!  I was totally distracted with these untrue beliefs, thoughts and comparisons and therefore, I was totally unhappy!  By the last day of the trip, I was bursting just like my analogy of the dam bursting that I talked about in my Letting Go post.  I was overflowing with negative and I ended up getting really frustrated and angry with my kids when I was stressed about finding our way to a whale watching cruise.  And that's what happens!  When we function on the beliefs of "I'm better than" or "I'm not good enough" we act contrary to who we really want to be.  Instead of reacting to my kids with patience and love which is how I wanted to react, I reacted with anger because of all the negative thoughts that had been rolling around in my head all week.  It was a great trip, but I struggled with these thoughts.  I had a really cool experience on the last day of the trip which I will share with you in my next post.

So how many of us find ourselves caught in this absolutely frustrating game of trying to look better and be better than all the other women around us?  How many of us then in our effort to look better and be better start looking down on others and criticizing others in order to make ourselves feel and look better than them?  I have found myself doing this.  When I was in the midst of my difficulties, I recall times when I would be talking to someone and I would criticize or put down another person for something they did or said.  I also got mad at my husband many times and nagged him for things he did or said that would get me so worked up and annoyed.  As I started to heal, I realized two different things.  First that when I put another person down, I wasn't making myself look better, but actually making myself look worse.  I don't know how I ever thought that putting someone else down made me look better.  I believe we do this because the truth is we feel very guilty and ashamed of our own weaknesses and flaws.  But instead of focusing on improving and bettering ourselves, we gossip about others or get mad at others for their weaknesses and flaws in order to feel better about ourselves and to make it known that we're not the only one with flaws.  Misery loves company so we try to take others down with us.  So sad!  And the really sad part is that when we deal with our guilt and shame in this way, we only become more miserable.  The second thing I learned was that the things I was getting mad and annoyed over with my husband and even other people were the very things that I hated about myself.  But because it was too hard and shameful at the time to face it as a flaw I had, I would displace my anger and get mad and annoyed at someone else for displaying the exact same flaw that I had!  

Favorite Scripture #7:

For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Or how wilt thou say to thy brother: Let me pull the mote out of thine eye--and behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
Thou hypocrite, first cast the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye.

Book of Mormon, 3 Nephi 14:2-5

I obviously am guilty of doing this so I am not trying to be hypocritical in saying this, but I feel that we judge others unfairly and unrighteously too much in our day and age.  Because of the pressure that we have put on ourselves to be perfect, we judge and make comparisons to others in order to figure out where we stand.  And typically that judgment of others is based on the outward appearance--how good of a body they have, how expensive and trendy their clothing is, how big their house is, how fancy their car is, how much money their husband makes, how great their kids look at church, how well mannered their kids are, how well they cook, how creative and crafty they are, how amazing and vintage and unique their family pictures are, how well decorated their house is, how athletic and fit they are, how many races they are doing, how amazingly they can sing or dance, and the list goes on and on.  It is so easy for us to get caught up in judging people for how they appear on the outside and then declaring that they are either less perfect or more perfect than we are according to that judgment.  But comparing and judging others in this way only ends up hurting us and those around us.  Focusing on how we can "keep up with the Jones'" or even be better than the Jones' will never bring us contentment, peace and happiness.  The sad thing is that we keep doing it thinking it will.  We think that success and perfection in a worldly sense is what's going to bring us happiness.  It does not!  Trust me on this ok!  I've said it before and I will say it again - I tried it for 22 years and I got nothing but misery and despair!  If we want to have true, lasting, real peace and happiness then we have to go to the source of it - our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ.  They are the source of all truth, peace and happiness.  And not only that, but they are also the Source of all creation, including us.  So instead of figuring out where we stand according to the world, we need to figure out where we stand according to God because He is the father of our spirits.  Only by staying connected to who we really are, our spirit, will we find the peace and happiness we seek. 

I mentioned in my last post that I spoke at a fireside a couple weeks ago to a group of both young women and women.  At one point, I was asking them to share with me what some of their strengths were that made them different, unique and beautiful in their own way.  I was really trying to get the young women to speak up.  One girl said she danced.  Awesome!  Another young woman said she played basketball.  Fantastic!  Both great talents!  There was only one girl left that hadn't said anything so I asked her what her gift was.  She sat there for a minute obviously not knowing what to say, and then she replied, "I don't have any."  My heart broke for this sweet girl in that moment.  I said to her, "Yes you do.  Just think for a minute.  What makes you happy?  What makes you different and unique?"  The room was completely silent.  I kept my gaze glued on her and soon tears started to well up in her eyes.  Her lip started to quiver.  And then with kind of a shrug and in the form of a question rather than a statement and with a note of apology that she didn't have anything better to say, she said, "I like being with people?"  I immediately jumped on that and told her what an amazing gift that was.  I told her that because of that she had a lot of friends and that people loved being around her because she made them feel good about themselves and happy.  I told her that was a tremendous gift, talent and strength.  After the fireside, I talked to her mother and her young women leaders and they all said that that was definitely her strength.  She was a people person and people loved being around her.  But because its not an outward talent that is easily seen, recognized and acknowledged, she didn't think it was a talent at all.  I remember feeling this way too when I was young and even into my young married life.  I had a sister who was an amazing scrapbooker, another sister who was an amazing photographer, and another sister who was fit and was an aerobics instructor.  I didn't do anything!  I was JUST A MOM!  Why do we allow ourselves to believe that if we don't have an outward, physical, easily seen and recognized talent or gift that we are nothing?  Do gifts of the heart and soul not count as talents?  Why do we even let ourselves say that we are JUST a mom when that is the greatest thing we can be?  There are so many women out there that would give anything to be JUST a mom.  My dear sweet friends, we are defining ourselves according to the wrong standards and that is why we are depressed and unhappy.  That is why we have negative behaviors and addictions to try and escape the pressure of feeling like we need to be perfect.  The gospel of Jesus Christ does not say we have to be perfect now.  I think we are confused by the following scripture in Matthew 5:48:

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

The footnote for perfect says it means complete, finished, fully developed.  Are we any of those things yet?  NO!  God asks us to do the best we can, striving every day for that ultimate perfection.  Then in the end after all we can do and have done, only with Christ's grace and mercy will we be able to be complete, finished, and fully developed.  We have to stop thinking we have to be perfect now, especially according to the standards of the world because as I said in my last post, that is impossible because those standards are constantly changing.  Being completely perfect is not possible now, but it is totally possible to be perfect in some things.  We all have areas in which we excel and we all have areas in which we struggle.  But no matter what those areas are, we are all powerful, beautiful, brilliant women of God and we all have a purpose on this earth!  God needs each one of us to help Him in His purpose of bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of all men!!  We each have a work to do and that work will be accomplished in and through our gifts and talents, our weaknesses and flaws, and our trials and experiences.  This is exactly what I have experienced in my life over the past year.  For 22 years, I wondered what my trial was all for.  Why on earth did it have to last so long?  Why couldn't relief and peace have come sooner?  I still don't know the answer to those questions, but what I do know is that it happened that way for a reason.  In order to cope and deal with my life during my hard times, I wrote in my journal profusely.  Due to that, I developed a love of writing.  And due to that love of writing and the trials I went through, I felt the need to do this blog.  I have begun to understand part of the reason my life was as it was by doing this blog.  I have heard from several of you saying that my being real about what I have been through has given you hope and courage to continue on.  I am so grateful that I've been able to help in some way.  It has brought me so much joy and happiness knowing I can help some of you out there who are where I was.  But this isn't about me.  It is all about what God is doing with me.  I am being a tool in His hand to accomplish His work and it has brought me unspeakable joy.  God uses the meek and simple things of the earth to accomplish His grand purposes.  God is using my talents and what I have been through to help others and that's what He intends to do with all of us if we will let Him.  

Another example of how God uses our trials and experiences to bless others comes in the story of Joseph Smith losing the 116 pages of manuscript.  Not only did Joseph Smith learn an incredible lesson that would greatly help him as he continued on as the Prophet of the Restoration, but his experience also teaches us an incredible lesson.  The Lord chastised Joseph for losing the manuscript and I absolutely love what the Lord says to him.  Remember, what the Lord says to one, He says to us all.

Favorite Scripture #8:

For, behold, you should not have feared man more than God.  Although men set at naught the counsels of God, and despise his words--

Yet you should have been faithful; and he would have extended his arm and supported you against all the fiery darts of the adversary; and he would have been with you in every time of trouble.

Behold, thou art Joseph, and thou was chosen to do the work of the Lord, but because of transgression, if thou art not aware thou wilt fall.

But remember, God is merciful; therefore, repent of that which thou hast done which is contrary to the commandment which I gave you, and thou art still chosen, and art again called to the work . . . .

D&C 3:7-10

Joseph Smith had started to fear man more than God and that is what led him into temptation and wrong doing.  The same happens to us.  As soon as we fear and worry about what everyone else thinks of us, we are allowing ourselves to be led into Satan's paths.  Satan's paths are not only the paths of gross crimes and sins.  His paths are any that lead us off THE path of peace and happiness.  "Wickedness never was happiness"!  These beliefs of "I'm not good enough" and "I'm better than" are Satan's paths because they are not the truth of who we really are.  The Lord says in these verses that God would have extended His arm and supported Joseph in every time of trouble and temptation.  He will do the same for us if we will turn to Him instead of trying to please and be acceptable to the world.  I also love where the Lord says, "if thou art not aware thou wilt fall".  That is so true for all of us!  If we are not aware of how Satan is deceiving us in our minds, we will fall into his traps of misery, despair, and unhappiness.  Just like I did on my trip.  So let's repent just as the Lord told the Prophet Joseph to do!  Let's trap our negative thoughts in our black book!  Let's do the write and burn and let go of our negative feelings!  Using these tools enables us to identify Satan's deceiving influence and cast him out of our minds!  And then when we do that, we can move forward with power and purpose accomplishing our divine work on this earth.  The Lord told Joseph that if he would repent he would again be called to the work.  The same is true for us.  When we are connected to our spirit and we repent and let go of the negative, we unite ourselves more closely to God, the father of our spirit.  And when we do that, we will be able to let Christ's light shine more brightly and powerfully through us enabling us to accomplish the work that God sent us here to perform.

Let's please let go of the judgments we place on ourselves and on others.  We all came to this earth to be tested, tried, refined and purified.  This was God's plan and none of us are exempt.  Through our free agency, we agreed to this plan and chose it which is why we are here.  We all have stories.  We all have a past.  We all have hard and painful things we have gone through or are going through.  We all have stuff that we need to repent of and change.  

Favorite Quote #42:

I don't like that man.  I must get to know him better.

Abraham Lincoln

Instead of making an initial judgment of a person, may we try to get to know them a little better.  May we try to understand what they are going through or have been through instead of judging them by what they are doing or what they look like.

Favorite Quote #43:

Don't judge another person until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

We all have weaknesses, but we also all have strengths.  We all have trials and hardships, but we also all have victories and successes.  There is just no way to compare or judge because we are all going through different stuff in different ways and at different times.  We are all different, but equal.  And in the end, we are all here to learn the same thing - how to be more like Jesus Christ.  If we are Christians, then we need to act more as Christ would act. 

Favorite Scripture #9:

. . . for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

1 Samuel 16:7

In the words of President Uchtdorf, we just need to "STOP IT!"  May we please look at ourselves and others with more mercy and love.  Instead of saying "I'm not good enough" or "I'm better than", let's say "I'm equal to".  Let's realize that we all have weaknesses that we struggle with.  Let's realize that we all have hard trials that we have to deal with in life.  Let's realize that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have and what they know.  Let's be there for each other and love each other instead of judging each other.  Begin with yourself.  As we stop judging ourselves harshly, we will stop judging others harshly.  And when one of us can be real with ourselves instead of trying to be perfect and better than everyone else, then it helps others be real too.  When we open up and share our real selves with each other, we impact others' lives for good.  We help others to find hope and to feel that they are not alone.  Let's be more Christian Christians and see ourselves and others the way Christ sees us.  He sees our potential and our greatness!  He sees our power and what we are capable of!  He sees our goodness and our hearts!  May we find more peace and joy in our lives by seeing ourselves and others as we truly are - powerful and beautiful spirit sons and daughters of God!

In my next post, I want to share with you the HOW of thinking and acting in this more Christlike way.  Because once again isn't that what we are asking?  How do I keep myself centered and balanced?  How do I keep myself from slipping to the "I'm not good enough" or "I'm better than" extremes?  I will tell you.  So stay tuned.  And in the meantime . . .

be.YOU.tiful!!!